Its Not You, Its Me..... 08/10/2009
Coming hard on the heels of my "Don't hate the player, hate the game" line, I've now gone and used another sickening cliche. Its not you, its me. I'm almost starting to dislike myself..... I was dating the air stewardess again on saturday night and I went into it with an open mind. I liked her on almost every level, apart from the fact she was trying to speed things along quicker than Usain Bolt hurtles down a track. After our last date, I almost called things off, but I thought maybe after her work trip to Hong Kong the previous week, she may have come back a bit more relaxed.... As usual, she drove up to my place and we headed out into Clapham. I took her to a nice Italian place that I know and we settled down to some good food and wine. The conversation was flowing and I was starting to forget what it was that had made me even contemplate having the "chat" with her. She is sexy, good fun and generally a really decent girl. What the fuck is my problem?... Well, this is my problem. As we finished up the meal and headed to a bar, she by this time was a little tipsy. We'd only shared a bottle of wine so I was still pretty much stone cold sober. She had locked her arm in mine and we were strolling quite happily along when she came out with "I really like it in Clapham. I could see myself living here".... Within milliseconds of the final word of that sentence, I had stiffened up as though rigormortis had set in, my heart had stopped beating and I felt my sweat glands filling up. Some may say I'm over reacting, but those 12 words changed the course of an evening. This was only the fourth time we had met and already she had probed me about where our relationship was heading. Now she was putting into my sub conscious that she would like to live near - or possibly with, I wasn't about to ask - me. I muttered something back about it being a nice area, then dragged her into the first bar in sight - I needed a drink..... I had paid for dinner so she offered to get the first drinks in. Whilst she was at the bar, my mind was working overtime to think of how to politely say I think we should move on. My first attempt was using the fact that I was her first date on Match - I suggested in a jovial manner that she should arrange some more dates to see what the compettition is like and it was a waste of her subscription fee to date just one guy. That didn't seem to register and she just laughed it off and told me to stop being silly....I'm really not..... Then I started on with the fact that there must be a reason why I've had so few long term girlfriends. Listing all my bad points wasn't difficult, but again this just seemed to get jokingly swept aside. I headed off for a toilet break to gather my thoughts and as I locked myself in the cubicle, it came to me. Who would have thought a toilet seat could give such inspiration, but its as if it spoke to me.... Remebering that I had told her I used cocaine a fair bit - mainly being snorted on one knee in bar/nightclub cubicles, hence the inspiration - I suddenly saw fit for me to lie and say I had gone back to substance abuse and needed help before I could even contemplate letting anoyone into my life. Fucking genius. She doesn't feel like she is getting the brush off, her heart goes out to me, I get to walk away knowing that her feelings aren't damaged, everyone, quite simply, is a winner... As I headed back down to the bar, I took a deep breath ready for a De Niro like acting performance...and to be fair I didn't disappoint with the conclusion of the story ending with a "So honey, its nothing to do with you. This is my problem and once I sort myself out, hopefully we can see where things go from there". I really think I handed my balls in a birth sometimes as I am such a coward to the bitter end. I've never finshed properly with anyone in my life as generally I just wait till I get the elbow, tell massive lies as above or I just stop answering calls and emails in the knowledge that they will eventually go away. As I said earlier, I'm starting to dislike me as well..... Anyway, she was convinced by my little Oscar worthy performance and we ended up having a few more drinks, then heading back to mine as she had driven up. In the morning, for some reason it felt like a massive weight had been lifted and I was slighlty proud of myself as she left in fairly good spirits and told me to email her if I needed anything. Who said honesty is the best policy...... I'll Give Up Work At 28.... 08/06/2009
I have an age range of 23-33 on my online dating profile which I believe is broad enough to catch me the girl that I'm after. The beauty of life is that we're all attracted by different things, but one trait that has never been on my radar is the older woman. Maybe its my obvious fear of commitment, but I like the energy and care free attitude that comes with dating younger girls, although last night was an exception to the rule.... If I'm honest, I was sure she would be high maintainance from our email conversations, but I'm a sucker for a pretty face. She drove over to a bar that is a 2 minute walk from my flat, so I really had nothing to lose other than a few hours of my time. She was 24 years old and living on her own in Mayfair. For those that don't know, this is one of, if not the, most exclusive addresses in London, reserved for the super rich. It is probably only 5 miles from where I live, but worlds apart.....and I think her sat nav was telling her that as she must have called at least 5 times on the way over to ask directions. As I was guiding her in from the bar I saw a black Range Rover pull up over the road. Definately her. I knew she worked for a hedge fund, but without sounding too sexist, there is no way a 24 year old girl can afford to live in Mayfair and drive a Range without a little help....from Daddy no doubt. As she headed into the bar, I could almost feel the class barriers crashing. Although I was lucky enough to go to private school, I ended up coming out of the education system with what can only be described as a slight Essex accent. Lets just say I'm more Danny Dyer than Prince Harry, although I have huge affection for my favourite Royal. I was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and timberlands. She turned up looking like she was ready for a night at the Opera. Long black leather gloves, a cravat and a pair of shoes on that possibly cost more than the bar we were in. Although I had been presumptuous about the type of girl she was, it soon became apparent that I was correct. Daddy was a celebrity in Malta and mummy was a Dutch model. She had come to the UK by herself about a year ago and although I have respect for anyone who sets out on their own, it does help to ease the loneliness when papa buys you an apartment in Central London to reside in and ships over a customised Range Rover for you. Its hardly the same as staying at the local YMCA or getting a Greyhound bus between destinations. We started talking about previous online dates and it was evident that her theme was anyone with a bit of money, mainly hedge fund CEO's or Investment bankers. She told me that working past 28 years of age was not an option as by then she would "have a man to take care of my every need". Poor fucker. He'll be getting sex once a year or when she wants kids and thats his lot. She was so self absorbed I almost felt sorry for her as it clearly was beacuase the parents had given her absolutely everything, but then I looked out of the window at her car and the pity soon faded. She wasn't drinking and the more alcohol I have, the worse my accent gets. By the end of the evening, I felt like Oliver Twist. I was almost tempted to ask her if she'd sponsor me - she could tell her friends she helps a poor Cockney fellow out for charity. Although I take everyone at face value and I'd like to think I'm fairly easy to get on with, could I see myself quaffing champers at a polo match with Tarquin and Henretta talking about country retreats?.....well yes, for sure, but someone may end up releasing the hounds on this South London oik so I'll stick to what I know.... I'm out with the air stewardess again this weekend. It maybe my second online dating break up if she carries on with the pressure questions and I only joined up less than 3 months ago. Not great statistics. East Meets West..... 08/03/2009
So after a heavy friday night in central London with friends which finished up around 6am, I woke late in the afternoon on saturday. I looked a fucking mess and I was sure my Bangladeshi date that evening wouldn't have been to impressed with what she saw - literally looked like I'd just walked out of a joint do for Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse. After getting a good lot of food inside me, shower and shave, I was still feeling horrendous, but like a true Brit, I was ready to go and drink through it.... I can go one of two ways here - sometimes with hare of the dog I can turn into a drunken mess within two drinks, whilst other times its as if I hadn't touched a drop the night before. I was hoping I could pull of the later, but it was in the hand of the gods... I turned up a bit early to the bar we were meeting in and started realising that I had no idea what she did, if she spoke with a full on Bangledshi accent or anything about her culture.....luckily the barmaid told me it was still happy hour so that calmed my nerves and by the time my date turned up, I had two bottles of beer infornt of me. Good start... She had an absolutely beautiful face and very calm manner. I'm fairly hyper at the best of times so this really was ying and yang. I was still pretty unsteady from the previous night's drinking so I kept firing questions about her culture and country to deflect from my obvious lack of conversational skills - she must have thought I was writing the Lonely Planet chapter on Bangledesh with the amount of facts I was after... After a couple of hours, she was still nursing a small glass of wine with a bottle of water. By this point, I'd had my fair share of 2 for 1 bottles of beer and she did comment on my drinking. Not a great sign after 120 minutes of meeting, but I think if I'd tried to explain that I was drinking quickly to lessen my shakes as I'd got shitfaced the previous night, that wouldn't have been the answer she was looking for....We actually moved onto another bar, but it was more going through the motions. Come around 10ish, I was ready to get away, so told her I had work in the morning. We said our goodbyes and I headed home content with 3 pieces of chicken and chips.... I am all up for experiencing new cultures, but I think when it comes to a partner, there is alot to be said for coming from the same background or at least having the same mother tongue. You have shared alot of common experiences and can laugh/discuss these at will, whereas alot will get lost in translation with someone from elsewhere on the planet. Anyway, its each to there own, but think I'll be sticking to dating girls with English as their first langauge - if I can't find a girl in that wide a demographic, then I've got my own issues to address... My air stewardess is back in town early this week so will be hooking up with her at some point. I've calmed down from her awkward questions, but we'll see how it goes this week. I've also been chatting away on the email with a young daddy's girl living in Mayfair, so may dust off the cravat and blazer ready fro a date with her... Commitment Issues..... 07/30/2009
Fresh from a couple of back to back dates, which I will chat about in a sec, I've had a particularly bad week. I, along with hundreds of other investors, have been shafted in a Ponzi style scheme that will become the biggest fraud ever to be seen in the UK. An expensive lesson I've learnt from this is, if its too good to be true....its too good to be true.. Secondly, what the f&ck has happened to summer in England? We were promised a blazing year and so far, apart from two weeks when the tennis was on, its been chucking it down. We seem to be escaping this whole global warming issue quite comfortably.... So, I had another light hearted date with the 23 year old on tuesday evening. We again met locally and chat of 80's luminous clothing coming back into fashion was a welcome distraction from thinking about my woeful business losses. I am a little worried that she got phone calls from her mum and dad during both dates just to check up on her.The mum is Italian and the father Maltese. With this in mind, I'm scared to death of making too much of a move on her or I could end up sleeping with the fishes sometime soon. Anyway, we'll just have to see how it pans out.... Last night, I met up with the non abusive air stewardess. This was the third time we had seen each other and although I do like her, the signs are that she wants to move it along a little quicker than me. Over drinks, she told me most ex boyfriends had an issue with her job as she is away alot. Then she asked how I feel about it. For a fairly confident guy, I'm suprisngly awkward when it comes to anything to do with relationships. My parents split up when I was 16 so I'll try and pass the blame over to them, but in reality, its just I don't like commitment. In 12 years communting into the City, only a handful of times did I buy a monthly travelcard as I even saw this as being tied down. The mere mention of an annual pass sent my head spinning and a colleague would have to shoot off to the water cooler to get me some liquids to settle me down again. So her question took me by surprise and I just mumbled something about its your job and I hope you enjoy it, which was a completely irrelevant answer, but my mouth was moving as the brain froze. Not content with this bumbling answer, she then asked where she thought we were heading - Lord, I need a colleague here now with a water cooler. I produced a better answer this time around saying we're having fun together and lets not put a label on it just yet. Feeling pretty damn impressed with my quick fire retort, I ordered a celebratory shot. The rest of the evening went as palnned and she left this morning with a flight out to Denver at some point over the weekend. I feel today though that with her questions, I'm a little less attracted to her. The slightest whiff of desperation turns me off completely. When you first meet someone, just enjoy their company, have good sex and have a laugh. All 3 things will fade pretty quickly so just enjoy it while it lasts.. Maybe I'm being a little harsh as I'm hungover and wound up about this Pozi shit, so hopefully I'll be wanting to see her once she returns from her travels next week. I'm out with friends on friday night, but have arranged a date on saturday with a Bangladeshi girl. She looks gorgeous, but I have minimal knowledge of their culture which I'm guessing isn't just to get shitfaced like us Brits..... but if you don't buy a ticket..... Hell Has No Fury Like A Woman Scorned... 07/28/2009
So yesterday I received a mail in my online dating account from friday nights date. Not content with sending me an abusive text, which I thoroughly deserved, she followed it up with a mail telling me in no uncertain terms what she thinks of my being. Not sure she could have fitted the word tosser into one paragraph many more times.... My only real issue here is that if you have sex with someone on the first night, you are playing the game. Something may develop if both parties are feeling it, but you also run the risk that it could just be a drunken bit of fun. I'm not one to catagorize woman who jump into bed with a man on the first night - these girls have been a big part of my life for years - but if you think that a few hours drunk in a bar and a few minutes drunk in bed are the basis of a new relationship, you're quite frankly a few sandwiches short of a picnic.... Anyway, I didn't reply with any sarcastic dating advice as she knows where I live, so hopefully she'll just learn form this experience....and perhaps before her next date, get down the waxing clinic..... Air stewardess number 1 is back from Hong Kong today so she is driving up tomorrow evening and tonight I have another rendez vous with the charming 23 year old. As I picked up a copy of the Sunday Times at the weekend, I also grabbed the News Of The World to brush up on celeb gossip. Stories of Jordan and her new cage fighting boyfriend plus Posh's night out in London should keep the conversation flowing.... Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Game 07/26/2009
I never thought I'd use the line, but in my drunken haze yesterday, I actually sent that in a text. She replied with "You are a w*nker" - no arguements there.... Very Refreshing.... 07/23/2009
I've always come in for a fair amount of stick from friends when it comes to previous girlfriends. I've tended to date girls a fair bit younger than me and last night hammered home the point as to why.... B.A Cabin Crew Give 1st Class Service... 07/22/2009
So the air stewardess drove down to me last night after flying in from Johannesburg. I knew she would be staying over so that put me in good spirits all day. It Ain't Over Till The Fit Lady Faints.... 07/18/2009
I knew I'd meet some strange ones along the way, but last night must top the bill or I'll give up... I've been busy with work this week so haven't been out. I've had a fair few texts with the air stewardess and we ll be meeting up next week once she's back from her second trip this week. |