Mr Perfect 06/25/2010
This is going to be a long post. Only because Mr. Perfect is a long winded asshole that can’t seem to stop talking about himself. Initially, I was only going to quote the interesting lines in his profile but after having read through it a few times I decided to post it as is. I implore you to take the time to read through it in its entirety. His email to me: Hey, I'm normally in N.Holly; an educated, athletic white male dark hair/eyes broad shouldered few tasteful tats residing in the Tarzana/Woodland Hills area. I have a stable career, work in law enforcement, maintain a business and I've returned to school to receive my 2nd Degree. I have a wide variety of interests listed here on my profile, and would love to chat if you feel we'd click as I do. *Yawn* His Profile: UPDATED: To those of you saying that's a cute dog posing with you; thank you for the compliment he was actually my partner who had passed away June 27th, 2008! I thank you for the best-wishes to those of you who have told me already. NOTE: The other photos I've posted are the only one's I have of myself mostly with friends or former clients! I've been called a "Good Samaritan" the one whose stopped at accident scenes; to direct traffic, call 911 or assist anyway I can. I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm "Me" A Chivalrous (having been raised by 4 ladies and grandpa), Poetic, Athletic, Educated, Sarcastic, Compassionate, Articulate, Faithful white male who has an Extremely Open-mind, has previously worked in the Hospitality Industry, Taught, Trained, Educated, Mentored, Apprehended and Protected. I went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable" I'm tall, standing just under six feet weighing approx. two hundred thirteen fit lbs with broad shoulders, dark hair and hazel-brown eyes. I have a muscular/fit build, big arms/calves "not a meat-head though" and several tasteful pieces of ink/holes where piercings use to lay! I've led a great career; (to which I utilize my law enforcement background to), Maintain a business in the Entertainment Industry, Promote a Women's Wrestling Division, Volunteer at a Private Animal Rescue, act as a Respite Giver for an Autistic Boy and I've returned to school to complete my 2nd Degree {where I'll be hopefully working in the medical field as a Dr. (DVM) by 2013}. ATTIRE: I'm pretty much a T-shirts/collard polo & shorts type of a guy, (wearing my sunglasses as much as I can/those damn sun's rays lol!), yet I can dress the part; and told pretty dapper in a suit & tie when the occasion calls for it! ABOUT YOURSELF: local, fun, attractive, faithful, open minded and believes in the idea of *COMPROMISING* A lady who enjoys spending time w/me as much as I enjoy spending with them. Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living. I consider Tattoos and Piercings sexy (yet it's not a requirment, just a like). A girl in shorts/jeans and a t-shirts, someone who can dress "girly" in a dress/skirt/gown for an appropriate function works as well. Perhaps, you're a lady who is open to grabbing her bikini and being spontaneous enough to head off to the beach, daisy dukes and "Brains" are sexy as well. Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :) INTERESTS: I have a wide variety of interests and an eclectic taste in music. I enjoy walking along the Venice Boardwalk, Annual 80's Rock concerts, the County Fair, Knott's Scary Farm's Annual Halloween Haunt, Hiking, Shooting, Karaoke, Museums (big into the Baroque & Goth Eras thanks to Art History), Indy Wrestling, the Theater and I'm open to Shooting pool. A couple times a month I can be found traveling up north or down south for the day for work purposes; where there's always an extra seat for a navigator (wink wink). So, I ask you this; if you'd like to meet a Chivalrous, attractive, respectful, open minded happy guy feel free to take a glance @ my profile and see what similar interests we share and let's get to know one another. Many have asked for more then 1 photo, so I've placed several photos for you to scroll through. Just remember, I'm not too photogenic. Give me the opportunity to prove that to you. -----///\\---------///-\\\----Put This---|||---|||---On Your---|||---|||---account If---|||---|||---You Know----\\\-///----Someone-----\\///-----Who Died------///\-----Of----///\\\----Cancer Cheese and rice, where do I begin? Is there anything this Chuck Norris wannabe doesn’t do? 1. His definition of “Muscular/Fit” and “Broad shouldered” differ immensely from mine. By the looks of his beer belly pictures, nobody is going to accuse this guy of being a “meat head”. Not that I mind if he’s packing a few extra lbs but don’t claim to be in shape when you clearly are not. I myself am no swimsuit model but I also don’t claim to be in my profile while showing you a picture of a Chippendale’s stripper grabbing my size 16 ass. 2. He has such pictures posted as “Walking out of Olive Garden” and “Just me”. Shall I send him the pictures of me playing on my computer? Watching TV? Sleeping? 3. He claims to be an educated man yet does not quite have the best grasp of spelling, punctuation and grammar. Neither do I, but again, I don’t claim to as he does right off the bat. 4. Did he just write “I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm Me”? Give me a fucking break. I suppose this egomaniac also has doorways built in his house specifically to accommodate the size of his ginormous head. 5. He went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable"??? Bite me. He went into Law Enforcement because he needed a hook to get laid. 6. He’s looking for “Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living.” Oh really? Who the fuck do you know? Ricki Rocket? What the fuck do you do? Promote women’s wrestling? Don’t do me any favors, lamesauce. 7. “Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :)” What the fuck is wrong with this guy??? 8. “Just remember, I'm not too photogenic.” <-------Truth! 9. While myself and a great majority of those on the planet Earth have probably lost somebody they love to cancer I’m not a fan of seeing these typed ribbons on anyone’s profile. I get it, somebody you knew is dead. Same here, bucko but I just choose not to broadcast it on a site looking for love. Save that shit for your diary. In all honesty, I’m not so sure why this guy pissed me off so much. Oh wait, it’s because he had Barbara Streisand’s nose, John Goodman’s physique and Ray J’s ego. Hot Bicep Guy 06/10/2010
If you are a guy and we haven’t slept together yet I’m still talking to you AND I dedicate an entire post to you, you can bet that I am going to fuck the ever loving shit out of you you are pretty darn special. Case in point, Hot Bicep Guy. In case any of you have missed it, not only has HBG been occupying my (wet) dreams but also my Facebook and Twitter pages: Tuesday, June 1st: 11:53am - Once again, just confirmed that I am completely incapable of having a coherent conversation with someone sporting amazing biceps and buns. Friday, June 4th: 2:58pm - Just learned that since I left work early I missed hot bicep guy coming by to cut rock. Yes, I said cut rock. Who cares why? Today, Thursday, June 10th: 9:30am - Dear Sex Gods, Please let hot bicep guy come by the office to cut rock BEFORE I leave the office today instead of after like the last two times. Kthxbye. **The Sex Gods answered my prayers. Water was turned on (as was I), power tools were brought out and rock was cut** 12:00pm - Oh God...boss just ran out to arm wrestle hot bicep guy. Best. Job. Ever. 2:00pm - Ok, for those keeping tabs...hot bicep guy asked for my Facebook. Is that the 2010 version of asking for one's phone number? Either way, he will end up disrobed. Just sayin... So, if I do the math, I’ve invested 10 days into this relationship. Assuming that’s the equivalent of approximately 3 dates, it’s time we did the horizontal mambo. He owes me. And he’s going to pay me. In penis. I spent a full hour today in what can only be described as the most fun one can have with their clothes on. As if the Gods above had read my mind and answered my prayers, along came the construction truck with 185 lbs of pure muscle and 6% body fat tucked neatly inside its cab. Time stopped. I watched as HBG jumped out of the truck and went over to inspect the slabs of rock waiting to be cut. Wait, did he just look back at the office window? Oh yeah…it’s on like Donkey Kong! Never mind that I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat. So? I was hungry and he was lunch. I’m sorry, did my boss just ask me to do something? Not possible as there are only two people in this daydream. Me and HBG. Shit, boss is talking to me but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. He may as well be speaking in Greek because at the moment I can’t even remember my own name, let alone how to type up a letter. Still staring, I watch as HBG and his helper turn on the hose and saw. Things are getting wet (I love puns). His back is to me and all I see are muscles contracting and heavy equipment being used. He’s cutting then lifting the heavy slabs of rock into the back of his truck. The only thing missing is me, straddling the rock slabs in a white t-shirt. Am I dead? Because this MUST be what heaven is like. Uh oh, I’m drooling. Boss saw it and looked out the window. Boss: What? You lookin’ at HBG? Me: bholysoudtoaopshhdfgjslhg? Boss: You know, I’m stronger than him. I can beat him at arm wrestling *heading for the door* Me: bholysoudtoaopshhdfgjslhg…*following close behind* I’m not about to miss two guys playing “who’s got the bigger penis” for my benefit. They wrestle, I giggle and the boss concedes to a bad wrist. I now know who has the bigger penis. Oops, time’s up. Time to leave work and head to job #2. Boss: Can you stay for a few more minutes? Me: Nope Like a cougar stalking her prey I hightail it out of the office to go attack my unwitting victim. With a grin and a wave HBG asks if I’m leaving. That’s my que. I got this. I just hope I didn’t leave claw marks when I pounced. Some small talk and a Facebook invite later, the door has been opened. Stay tuned… ...and how was YOUR weekend? 06/01/2010
Warning: Melisa + Vodka = Crazy shit going down I’m not sure what it is about this particular clear liquid that makes it so dangerous but once imbibed by yours truly, it’s pretty much guaranteed that: a) I’m going to end up naked b) I will probably cry c) I will tell somebody that I love them (usually via text message) d) Good odds that I will scare the shit out of some poor schmuck therefore insuring that any chances of getting another date are slim (please refer back to “C”) Date/Time: Friday/6 pm Location: Hollywood Blvd., The Chad Pad Me: Mmmm…beer. Chad: There’s also vodka in the freezer. Me: Fuck! Chad: Two bottles… Me: Double Fuck. You do that on purpose, don’t you? Chad: Do what? Me: You know my track record with Vodka. You are definitely flirting with danger. Chad: The shot glasses are in the cupboard. And so it began. By the end of the evening, I had been to LAX to pick up a friend, gone to Saddle Ranch on Sunset with a guy wearing a cow tipping T-shirt, met and became BFF’s with some girl there for her birthday because I liked her pretty blue cocktail, got hit on by her arrogant, pushy, abusive-type, overweight boyfriend, ate cotton candy, borrowed some glasses from Saddle Ranch (my purse is much bigger than I realized), ended up at a strip club that was clearly a front from something else, cried because I thought I was going to be sold into sexual slavery, somehow managed to change my Blackberry settings from English to Spanish, took a muscle relaxer and lost my purse. The weekend can best be summed up in this Facebook status I posted: “Woke up with my bra on inside out. Pretty happy to have Monday off. I'm gonna need it.” I also may or may not have made out with a 25 year old virgin from Kansas. He also may or may not still be a virgin. Luckily, I was able to get my purse back from the human traffickers at the strip club the next night, so all was not lost. Feeling a little uncomfortable knowing that they probably went through my stuff and now know where I live. For once, I’m grateful that I’m too old to be kidnapped and sold. By the end of my binge on Sunday, my liver had cried “Uncle” more than once. Things I learned from this weekend’s debauchery: 1) Never trust a cab driver that refers you to The 7th Veil 2) Beer is not part of a balanced breakfast for a reason 3) My panties have a mind of their own and will end up on the living room table 4) Taking a muscle relaxer while still drinking is probably not one of my better ideas 5) Next time I go out, it’s probably for the best, to leave my cell phone at home …and how was YOUR weekend??? |