SPOILER ALERT: I get laid in this story. As a matter of fact this story is ONLY about me getting laid. So, if you are anti-whore or anti-sex than you may not want to go any further. I may be construed as a hooker after this post but guess what, I don’t particularly care and I certainly didn’t get paid. This is after all, MY blog and sometimes a girl just needs some new meat. Isn’t life grand?

The Fireman

“So, I hooked up with a fireman last night. But he had a really big head.”

“They all do, Mel.”

“No, really. He literally had a big head!”

I met “The Fireman” off of Craigslist. When it came to “The Fireman” there really were only three things that stood out about him. One of which, as you probably guessed, was his abnormally large cranium. The second was his attempt at dirty talk. At one point, being so ridiculous that I wanted to wrap his overly sized skull in duct tape just to shut him up. And last but not least, his general use of the backhand which I will explain later. But, he was hung like a horse and it was a welcome distraction from my ordinary, mundane existence and lack of a fulfilling sex life.

The idea of a 9” cock excited me. Turning down a well hung fireman was out of the question. Especially considering that I was having somewhat of a dry spell. Any ordinary booty call was not going to suffice. The arrangements were made and the plan was set into motion. We had talked at length before and I had already seen a few pictures of him and although he was no George Clooney he was far from the Elephant Man. Being as I was not all that attracted to him and was not looking for any strings, the nervousness that usually accompanied a first blind date were not there. After all, this wasn’t really a date. I couldn’t have cared less about what he thought of me and that freedom was refreshing.

“The Fireman” showed up and I ran down to the lobby to greet him. For once, here was a man that had not lied about his height. Just as promised, he was 6’1”. But, being as I was more interested in him horizontally, this refreshing bit of honesty was a moot point. After all, laying down we are all the same height. Aside from that, he reminded me of a Basset Hound. He had sad dog eyes and the most enormous head I’d ever seen. If he hadn’t been so tall and lean it probably wouldn’t have been so noticeable. Or maybe it would have. It was that big. How had I not noticed this in the pictures I’d seen?

Once inside my apartment we made ourselves some drinks. We made idle chit chat while working towards a good buzz. It was fascinating how he was able to litter our conversation about work and family with references of my naked body and his sexual prowess. I considered it truly an art form how he was able to weave my tits into every other sentence. At one point, I think I was actually getting a little jealous of my girls.

Upon “The Fireman’s” arrival, he had brought some supplies. Kudos to safe sex. I wasn’t aware that his Sav-On Bag O’ Goodies would include more than the Magnums he had promised. While working on round two of our drinks I asked for the cigarettes he had purchased on his way over. He told me they were in “the bag”. I went to survey the contents of “the bag” looking for my cancer sticks. Condoms, check. Lube, check. Cock-ring, che….Uhm, yeah. That’s right, no cigarettes.

There are only three reasons I can think of for a man to have brought a cock-ring. First being the ability to make him last longer and avoid the awkward pre coital “oops”. But from hearing him speak, that would not be a problem. Words like “several hours” and “multiple” were often used when trying to sell me the idea of us hooking up. Honestly, several hours is just too damn long for me to be pretending I’m Jenna Jameson. I top out at about 30 minutes and I like to be able to walk the next day. Call me crazy.

Secondly (and I may be wrong here), using such a device is supposed to add some girth to the male member. Considering that he was already sporting Trojan Magnums I figured that wasn’t the reason either. And thirdly, he must be gay. I certainly wasn’t getting any gay vibes so I was slightly confused. I asked him about it. His excuse? That he’d left it in that bag from a previous encounter and had just grabbed the bag to put his love gloves in on his way over. I thought it strange that he just happened to have a bag lying around his place with a cock-ring in it but I opted not to delve any further into that line of conversation. I’m all about toys (for me) and I may be considered naïve by some but something about seeing a man wearing a cock-ring reminds me of Gay porn. And frankly, that is definitely not my cup of tea.

Once he assured me he wouldn’t be wearing his nifty device “unless I wanted him to” we got back to our evening. Things steadily progressed from there because frankly, I was bored of the innuendos and was ready for him to show me how good he was with directions. We went to my bedroom and began the horizontal mambo. Aside from a desperate need to manscape, he was just as expected. I didn’t notice the curvature right away due to the size but it would become painfully obvious later that because of that curvature I wouldn’t be having any fun on my back. So, right into doggy style I went.

Things were going quite well until he tried his own version of what I can only consider reflexology. He proceeded to bend my leg so that he was holding my foot up by his side. No big deal, I’m limber. He then began to slap the arch of my foot with the back of his hand. Repeatedly. He didn’t even have the decency to switch feet. I’m not sure what my left foot did to deserve such a beating but “The Fireman” seemed to feel it necessary. Combine that with his attempt at dirty talk and I almost asked him to leave so he wouldn’t hear me laughing while he was trying to be sexy and in control.

Now, I’m all for a little dirty talk while doing the nasty. A well timed “How do you like that?”, “Does that feel good?”, “Harder, faster” and “Mmmmm” will usually suffice. Just don’t call me “momma”, “mommy”, “ma” or any form of mother because that just creeps me out. I found it amusing when he asked me “how I liked his big brown cock”. I thought it hysterical when he asked “how I liked his big brown, half Persian, half Italian cock”. All the while keeping the rhythm with his physical assault of my left foot. First off, his phrases were entirely too long. When implementing the art of dirty talk, less is more. Keep it simple. If I had wanted him to recite his dissertation I would have had him do it before we got naked. Plus, it just wasn’t sexy coming from Mr. Potato Head. I felt half inclined to ask him how he liked my “quarter English, quarter French, half Slavic, American pink pussy” but I held my tongue not wanting to get into a conversation about ethnicity.

Luckily for me, after round one, the fireman got called into work and I didn’t have to be tortured with three hours of dirty talk about his half breed penis. Since then he’s made several attempts at trying to get together again but unless he has laryngitis I’m not interested. I also still get the occasional, out of the blue, random text asking “you don’t want a big throbbing cock pounding?” Yeeeeeaaaah, No. I’m all for a big cock but a throbbing one? That’s just gross. Isn’t there something he can take for that? Penicillin perhaps? And are there any ladies that actually respond to that shit? For me, that’s JUST...NOT…SEXY!

A few men I dated for a brief period of time and a few men just turned into platonic relationships. "Shithead" was the exception and the closest I ever came to actually having a relationship with somebody I met off of the internet.

As usual, we followed the basic protocol of emailing, phone conversations and then deciding to meet in person. His profile had four pictures posted on Match.com. Two were unclear, one was black and white with the tell-tale signs of an ex-girlfriend cropping and one was of a cop and a civilian. The mere sight of a man in uniform was enough to make me contact "Shithead" right away in hopes that he was the man carrying the badge. Come to find out, the closest thing he had to a uniform were his eating pants.

I pulled up to his apartment and he came out to greet me. Upon first glance I noticed his walk. For fear of sounding rather crass, he walked as though he were clenching his butt cheeks and had a stick up his ass. After getting to know him better, that idea made more sense than you’d imagine. He was nothing short of dumpy and three inches shorter than his profile stated. Again, I had just met another man with whom I’d had great phone chemistry with but was not physically attracted to (understatement). But willing to give things a chance I stuck around.

He was different than the men I usually dated in both looks and personality. I had convinced myself that even though he wasn’t what I was looking for I should give him a shot because he was the type of guy I should be looking for. On paper that is. He was stable, had his own place, college educated, had a steady job and his family lived hours away. Perfect!

He was your typical frat boy that played video games and thought that poop was part of any natural day to day conversation. I enjoyed his playful sense of humor (minus the poop talk) and the idea that he didn’t tend to stress the small stuff was quite refreshing. Everything was a joke to him and it wasn’t long before we were hanging out almost daily. He was local and convenient and I really enjoyed the carelessness that he exuded. There was no pressure and I enjoyed the slapstick comedy that seemed to occupy our time together.

We were never exclusive as he was not looking for a girlfriend and I was having fun still dating other men on the side. He wasn’t aware of that part but then again if a man is dating online and tells you he isn’t looking for anything serious then he’s usually dating and/or screwing more than just you also.

Eventually, we pulled the fade method on each other and things boiled down to occasional IM’s and emails. It was fun while it lasted but when all is said and done did I really want a serious relationship with someone that thought the idea of taking a dump in a public restroom something to be proud of? Not particularly.

Unfortunately, our time apart was not to last as my mother ended up hiring him to set up some computers in her new office. So, amongst idle chit chat, he mentioned how he was now seeing an Asian Doctor. His words, not mine. Perhaps in an attempt to make me feel envious or jealous about his fine catch, he proceeded to let me know how much money she had (lots), what she drove (Jag), her profession (Doctor) and so forth. Then, as if to seal the deal and make sure I knew what I was missing out on, told me that she just couldn’t get enough of him in bed. Mind you, yes, we had had an intimate relationship over the past year but not one that I would exactly write home about. If anything, it was just something to do and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to block that particular episode from my mind. Picturing him with his Asian Doctor going at it actually repulsed me because I knew what she had and it certainly was nothing to brag about. If I have my choice, I’ll pass on the man whose belly is so big that he can’t even see his own penis and longs for the day that he can stink up the stock room of the local Ralph’s Grocery Store. Although, I suppose it is good to have goals.

While you may think that I have focused my whole story on "Shithead’s" love of his own excrement, let me assure you that our times together often focused around that too. I did "Shithead" a favor and didn’t throw up on him while he was speaking because I thought that may be construed as slightly rude so I let him revel in his delirium while trying to keep a straight face. Of course, he was only “having fun” with his Asian Doctor because he was still “playing the field”, “not looking for a relationship” and busy being a Playboy (gag).

A few months later, I noticed him online and decided to send him a brief Instant Message just to see how he was doing. Apparently "Shithead" took that as an ego boost that I was still thinking about him. I should have known that a man with his ego would consider something so generic a confession of my undying affection. Not long into the conversation he told me that he and his Asian Doctor had bought a condo together and that he “would probably marry this one”. Not because he was in love with her (yes, I had to ask) but because she “made a decent amount of money, minded her own business and he hadn’t found anyone better”. Again, his words, not mine. Now, if that’s not a true declaration of love, I don’t know what is. One thing about "Shithead", he always was a true romantic.

He cut our conversation short by saying that his girlfriend would be home soon and he didn’t want to get caught chatting with another girl. Its not like we were discussing the Donkey Show or sharing naked pictures, we were just catching up. Considering that they were now living together and that he would “probably” marry her, this was the first time in nine months that I had ever heard him call her anything other than the Asian Doctor he was boinking with a Jag.

This is where things get interesting:

Months after that a girlfriend of mine and I stumbled across the website Dontdatehimgirl.com. Just for kicks we did a broad search of the men in Southern California. I didn’t actually think I would come across someone I knew but being as I had been online for a while nothing would have surprised me. Well, except for whom I actually found. That’s right, "Shithead". Considering his dumpy nature, so-so looks, beer belly and tendency to think that farting was cool, Shithead was the last person I would have considered seeing on this site. I quickly clicked on his picture to get the scoop. A woman had written about his dishonesty and how he had cheated on her. The site had a comment section where other women that might know him could add their own opinions. Five girls had actually commented making derogatory remarks about him being gay, fat and a cheater. When I showed my mother the website she was amazed that he could actually get five women to go out with him in the first place. That says a lot about my opting to date him for almost a whole year! But I’m not perfect, I OFTEN make mistakes. What was news was the Adultfriendfinder.com profile screen name that one of his ex’s had posted. Being the curious cat that I am I immediately checked out this Adultfriendfinder.com. What an interesting site that was! Perfect for those looking only for friendships of the intimate nature as there were very little clothes to be seen. I wasn’t surprised though considering the name. I may have been born at night, but not last night.

Now this is where I become retarded.

In order to look for him I actually had to come up with my own profile and set up a basic account. So yes, in addition to being retarded I also slipped into online predator mode. Nice, huh? I’m not sure why I was so curious being as I had already seen him naked and wasn’t too impressed by what I’d seen. Perhaps I was bored. Who knows? So there I was, now an active member of Adultfriendfinder.com. To make matters worse, in order to actually have Open Access to the profiles I had to pay for their one month membership fee. I know what you are thinking and you really don’t have to say it. I checked out a few profiles while searching for "Shithead", just out of curiosity (I wanted to get my moneys worth). When I had gotten all the peni my poor eyes could handle I looked him up, not sure of what I was going to find (but having a pretty good idea). I typed in his screen name and Vwah-La. There was his 5” penis in all its glory. He actually had two pictures posted. Both did not include his face only of his teeny peeny from different angles (I find it amazing how a few strategic angles can make one’s junk look so much bigger than what it is in actuality). Strangely enough, his Adultfriendfinder.com pictures were actually clearer than those he had initially posted on Match.com.

I read through his profile and found it interesting how he talked about having cyber sex quite often (Ew) and how he wanted to have fun “in and out of the bedroom”. Helloooo, you are always either IN or OUT of the bedroom (God, I hate cliché statements almost as much as I hate shaving for a bad lay). That’s when it donned on me, I had just spent $39.95 to see a picture of a 5” penis that I had already seen a hundred times before. The funniest part about this whole thing (aside from having just paid $40 to see cock pictures) is that I later found out from little dick himself that his loving Asian Doctor girlfriend was the one that had actually posted him on Dontdatehimgirl.com to begin with. Ah, young love.

One last tidbit for the road.

As if it couldn’t get any better. I saw him AGAIN on the internet just a few months after finding him on Adultfriendfinder. This time it was Lavalife. He had posted in the “Intimates” section seeking someone discreet (because of course, he had the Asian Doctor at home). He noted that he was into phone sex and cyber sex (see a pattern here?). What I want to know is, how does one have cyber sex? Typing while trying to jerk off seems like it would be distracting, no? He noted that he had had some luck with that website in the past and wanted to see if there was anything new going on. Ahhh yes, "Shithead" was truly one of Match.com’s finest. What a winner.

Here are a few more entertaining responses to my online dating profile. I also received a plethora of trouser snake pictures. As if in some way, I might be so impressed as to drop what I was doing in order to ride the bologna pony. Truth be told, I actually consider sending me nothing but a cock pic as just plain unimaginative. At least try putting a hat on it or something...

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You actually wonder why you’re single?

**No, not particularly. You did read my profile, right?**
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this is by far the worst posting i've ever read. Congratulations

**Fuck you very much**
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Hi,
How are you doing? How is your day going? I was wondering if you would mind telling me about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? What do you do for work. I would like to chat with you either on Yahoo or Aim.

**Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I just list several paragraphs about myself, what I like to do for fun and what I do for work? I have both Yahoo and AIM. I also have MSN Messenger but guess what? I won't be chatting with you on any of them**
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Wow!! I'ts so amazing everything you said, I swear, it sounded JUST like me, wow!! thats pretty scary!! I've got everything you want, but I'm not a jock, i'm built like a swimmer, narrow shoulders, trim!! no pot belly or fur on my back!! 6 ft 1 175 lbs brown hr & eyes, very oral, hung 8, i live in van nuys, im sure your going to get a shitload of replies back, so i don't expect you to even read this, or, let alone reply to me, but if you did, I NEED to know something!! Are you a SCORPIO? cause I am!!!!

**So glad he's a Scorpio? As if I give a shit. The picture he sent me was one he took of himself, sitting on the toilet fully clothed. Was that the only place he could take a picture? And who has a mirror directly in front of their toilet anyway?**
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Him: what garbage
Me: Thanks for taking the time to read my garbage.
Him: ur the best... and I live in Studio city too
Me: I just moved to Studio City a few weeks ago. I'm originally from Pasadena
Him: man.. that's far. :)
Me: Yes, I actually had to change zipcodes...life is so rough
Him: send me a sexy bathing suit or lingerie shot

**HUH?**
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What you are looking for will never happen…open your eyes

**Probably not. But a girl can dream, can't she?**
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Here’s some honesty back at you…

Get a good vibrator and a couple issues of Playgirl, because that's as close as you're going to get to what you're looking for. Haven't you ever heard the saying, "beggars can't be choosers"? I know, I know, you'll tell me that you're not a beggar, but your ad says otherwise. I had no problem with your ad -- you even seemed like someone I'd want to have sex with -- until you listed the stringent requirements for the man that you want. WTF...??? Even Paris Hilton would have trouble finding a man that perfect!

I suppose it would be too much to ask to get a photo of you -- I would like one just to see how close you are the mental picture I've formed.

**What a presumptive prick...I totally don't need those issues of Playgirl**
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OK Here is some back!

Your right!...you are a mess...a fucking big mess!!! BUT all the great sex comes with a person like that. So I am expecting some really turn me inside out mess with my head screaming orgasm stuff. if not i would ship you back to the Japanese "love Doll Store" for a refund!. You drink too much! (how's that) I haven't met you but now that that is out of the way, i don't have to say it again, unless you like walking home from Bakersfield after i dump your ass out on the side of the road for puking all over my new purple velour seats and rug in my 1957 VW bug with no air conditioning ( what was that about too hot or too cold???)
As far as your Debt, who cares, I am not spending anything on you unless it gets me more sex with you and even then I will only spend $40 buck on you at the most. Being a narcissistic person who is insecure means i will have to tell you ALL THE TIME how good you look, which will in time, make you want to vomit at the mere mention and have a opposite affect whenever I say it so I WON"T SAY IT!
as far as the ex- If i see him ANYWHERE i will immediately punch him out!! IF i hear you say his name or call me his name during our hour long fuck marathon, I will slap your ass till it is as red as an apple and not give you an orgasm, unless you want to finish yourself off, in which case i will need a video cam to film it for a rainy day.
as far as your lazy ass nature, you need a dose of House cleaning... I find a small taser really helps motivate people when they "feel too lazy to do anything" it's amazing! really, I see full grown women out mowing the lawn and doing the house work, even while I am screaming for another cold shlitz beer from the sofa!
As far as the "look your seeking, honey, I am 5-2 250 with a fully receeding hairline and thick glasses. I have two different colored eyes and was born with a large hump on my back, the only "six pack" your going to see is when you carry in my BEER!!! I like to recite obscure poetry as I am using the bathroom and never sing on key...ever! I am also going to tell you that I have plenty of money..........for me!
What your going to live on I have no idea, you do go Dutch when you eat out right? I am a sex nut but have not met up with a women who can have sex with me five or six times a day...and who give fantastic head...( I know EVERY women says they do, but it is not a carrot or crunchy celery!)

Last, although I am a "born again virgin" I think my 15 years as a professional rock musician will keep me in good standing
SO>>>

SEND ME A PICTURE THERE TOUGH GUY!!!!

**Why do I get the feeling that he was picked on in high school?**
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Your all fucked up

but i like that. i also share drinking as my #1 hobby. also smoke green bud like it makes me smarter. i've got more issues than time magazine and can be found closing down many pasadena dives on a daily basis. if your curious about sinking to new levels send me a note.

**I didn't write him back although I should have. I'm sure that upon entering any bar in Pasadena his name is shouted out by the patrons and staff alike**
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Hey you sound like a catch. Will you marry me? That was a great joke post. Thanks. Although what's really sad is, this type of post isn't far off from the typical ridiculous expectations that some of these fat bitches have on here. Amazing. I saw one recently that said she was "very attractive," 28, intelligent, witty, etc. I met up with her - had to be pushing 40, 35 lbs overweight, broke, had a moustache, looking for some help from a generous man... are you kidding me??

**I'm 35 lbs overweight and who said anything about it being a joke post?**
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"I’m a selfish prick"

That was my original headline but Match.com rejected it and made me revise my page (a total of 7 times). You apparently also can't say blow job in your profile. I loved your page. 90% of these make me roll my eyes. "I love my family, and unicorns, and I believe true love..blah, blah blah" Ugh, gag me with a spoon. Yours was brutally honest. Awesome.You've inspired me to be honest. I'm kind of an asshole. I sleep with more women than is reasonable. I love people-watching but it really should be called people-judging because that's what it is. I think there is a reason monogamy sounds a lot like monotony. I'd like to meet or talk to you but you have to promise me you won't stalk me. I've dated my share of women with issues and the only ones I can't handle are the stalkers. I have gotten a restraining order on an ex who broke into my place and cut up a bunch of my clothes. So if you'll promise you aren't that kind of crazy, hit me up and we'll take it from there. Alex
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ok, now give me the bad news! lol
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Sex or video games...... That's a hard one.
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Ok, that's it. I could go on...and on...and on...and, well, you get the picture. I got some emails that rivaled Penthouse Forum in content but after you've read paragraph after paragraph about finger fucking and shaft licking, I tend to get a little bored.

I'm also amused to find that considering I mentioned sex maybe twice in roughly 6 paragraphs of information that was the one key factor dwelled upon. Next time I'll try posting that I'm a hermaphrodite with a cleft lip and a wooden leg that also enjoys sex. Just to see if I get the same overexuberant responses asking for an easy lay.

Due to an overwhelming response from all of my blogger fan (yes, singular. Anonymous, you know who you are) I have decided to post some of the more entertaining responses to my REAListic online dating profile. Enjoy!

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Him: ...I never thought honesty could be so refreshing, well here's a little about me:I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays afternoon, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

Me: This was by far the most entertaining response that I've received thus far. Although, I've got to admit, I'm beginning to feel a tad inadequate considering all of your accomplishments. I thought that I had reached the height of my success when i became an expert at underwater basket weaving and a pro at frisbee golf. Apparently, there is still a lot left that I have yet to experience. How does one go about getting into translating ethnic slurs for Cubans or letting off steam by participating in full contact origami? I'd sure like to know...

Him: ...I tell you, those things are diddly-squat compared to getting a reply from a craigslist posting.I think you're partially responsible for last nights earthquake, your actions unsettled the... I'm gonna go out on a limb here... the rotation of the earth! Nobody replies to craigslist personals, period. Well, if we will live another day, I'd love to further immerse you into the intriguing world of the Cuban street slang or if you're adventurous enough, full contact origami.

**This was by far one of my favorites. I actually graced him with a response. I'm pretty sure he must be related to the Dos XX guy**
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Hi Ms Mut,(lol) LOVED your ad....for real...haha. This 55 yr old daddy wants to say hi to you......who knows what could happen. I'm harmless....over the hill......can't get it up......lol.
Ralph

**His email address was rlcr69 and his name was Ralph Lickerson. Let's just say, he did not get a reply**
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I LIKE YOUR ESSAY GREAT - IT IS NOT TRUE WAT THE SAY ABOUT BOOZE FU... U P THE BRAIN I LIKE TO MEET YOU YOU ARE A ORIGINAL...... THANK:S RAINER

**Uh, yeah. This is the type of response that actually kills brain cells while reading it**
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I have read your profile, and I think you are a very intellectual person, I do think that you are a person that actually see life as it is and nothing else, not to mention that your writing skill are way upper than just a high school graduate, not to mention that your profile is well elaborated, I think you have a very high sense of humor and specially I think I want to be your friend. The thing that amazes me about you, is your slavic ethnicity. So tell me how old are you??

**My slavic ethnicity was the most amazing thing? Apparently, Slavics can't write**
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Dear Gas...
I've got the rest,Well, where to begin... I do appreciate your honesty. I have Cathouse tivo'd so no prob there ;) Well I know a little about you, and I am obviously interested, so I thought that I would give you a few insights about me. Well I work a little more that I should, infact still here (about to go grab a drink with my bro) I take my drinking seriously... not really a serious drinker, but when I drink I drink good booze. Tall, dark, and handsome (at least that's what my mum tells me ;) I call when I say I will, and am a bit of a romantic, but I'll try not to be cheesy. Don't have any ex-girlfriend drama, and am not married/nor have I been. Not a virgin, (I think I love sex more than you) but am always down to try new things and learn your likes and dislikes. Never been good at video games so don't really play them. I too am rather multi-ethnic, mum is British, Father is Indian, but born in east Africa. Oh yea, and dimensions... 26, 6'0, 190, dark hair dark brown eyes, work out but not obsessed. Well look forward to hearing from you soon.

**Isn't Nigeria in East Africa?**
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I'm about 6'1", 210#, brown/brown, reasonably presentable, reasonably well-spoken and I'm considered funny, assuming you enjoy very bad puns. I know the difference between "there" and "their" and "they're" and I'm mostly a virgin. : ) I share your various "bad" habits and hate all videogames. My definite preference is to hang-out when I'm off work.

Write back when you can.

**He was also reasonably ugly. Not to mention sent a picture so bad that he would have to have a flawless personality to get a date. "Mostly" virgin? He's also a liar**
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Well at least you've got 25% good genes; which is more than I can say for most of the bastards I know around here. And you're right, your post does sound damn honest, well written, and worth reading... but I'll bet if you posted a picture of a supermodel and two sentences about being a cheap date; you would have gotten a million responses by now. Anyways, hi I'm Dan there's no way I'm going to go into a lengthy email here describing myself and what I want for the future and all that BS. ' cause, honestly, i dont know or care enough right now; but I've got lotsa stories about drunken mayhem and if you'd like to get loaded sometime and share some of yours or better yet make a new one... let me know
later

**Perfect, I don't care to write you back**
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I am horney yet I will cuddle you & becum a friend I am a nice guy who is fun! Glad to trade pics / phone number IF U R real Just reply
Waiting with a hard on like a rock! I KNOW HOW TO GIVE A GOOD MASSAGE!!
Garth the Good Guy!

**Because everything about this email just screams "Good Guy"!**
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Hey, Your post really caught my attention, esp the part about office manager for a construction company, as I am one for a roofing company located out in Northridge. Company I work for sounds like a coffee company (big hint for you) No dark hair (redhead actually) am 6 ft but no large muscles to brag about here. So I'm curious what construction company you work forand I do happen to fall into all the other categories you wrote about, with the exception of the physicality part. Like you, I take great pride in my high school graduation and being more literate than most of the other postings seen on CL. In fact, more literate than most business owners and people in the construction industry I have come across so far, present company excluded of course. One difference worth nothing however, is that I do love my job and the company I work for. So who are you and what company do you work for?

**Yawn...Btw, nothing turns me on like talking about work. NEXT...**
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I guess that means just a blowjob is out of the question?

**You guessed right**
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This is probably the greatest craigslist ad I've ever seen...I'm a 25 year old asshole, born and raised in LA, working in the music industry...yeah I make money, but you won't get any of it, unless I got an amazing blowjob from you in the am or anal the night before...then maybe ill buy lunch...I'm not gonna cuddle all night, or even call you to see how your day went, but I got that good dick, and I know how to use it...if you're down, get back...

**I actually thought this was funny. Although, from experience I've found that men who "know how to use" their dicks usually don't. And really, how hard is it to use one? No pun intended...ok, pun intended**
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Full head of hair? I want a woman with all natural DD's that defy gravity well into her old age. Oh Please.

**I told you to stop emailing me, Bruce Willis**
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My God woman you are really screwed up. You need to talk to a shrink!!

**Ya think? That's why I started a blog**
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Hi
I am a fit sporty man, 195 lbs 5-11 clean healthy and with a new approach to all this.
Into music meditation yoga spiritual refuge metaphysics adventure naturism weekend getaways
Singing guitars karaoke 48 self-employed construction, grayish eyeglasses
Love for Friendship and Good Times
Mark

**Did ANYTHING about my ad indicate that I would be remotely interested in a "musical meditation yoga spiritual refuge metaphysics adventure naturism weekend getaway"? And I HATE karaoke**
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Because really if you think a guy is hot, and hethinks you are hot, you'll fuck him - and enjoyfucking as long as he is cool and can handle you in bed

**I also got responses from Rocket Scientists**
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How do you feel about pornography? Serious question..
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cut out the boo hoo, sorry your a mess, wait I mean sorry your human. good luck with your "perfect man" hunt. and if you don't mind wish me luck with my "perfect women" hunt.I don't have a six pack, more of a mini keg, but I don't play video games. we can pretend I am a virgin...
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you sound interesting in disturbing sort of way...
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I literally received hundreds of responses to my ad so it took a while to find ones I considered even remotely interesting. I did not spellcheck or alter these responses in any way. I figured that would take all the fun out of it. There are many more so keep a look out for Part 2...