SexAndTheSickie.com - Hollywood Dating

Mr Perfect

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 06:12:12 -0800

This is going to be a long post. Only because Mr. Perfect is a long winded asshole that can’t seem to stop talking about himself. Initially, I was only going to quote the interesting lines in his profile but after having read through it a few times I decided to post it as is. I implore you to take the time to read through it in its entirety.

His email to me:

Hey, I'm normally in N.Holly; an educated, athletic white male dark hair/eyes broad shouldered few tasteful tats residing in the Tarzana/Woodland Hills area. I have a stable career, work in law enforcement, maintain a business and I've returned to school to receive my 2nd Degree. I have a wide variety of interests listed here on my profile, and would love to chat if you feel we'd click as I do.

*Yawn*

His Profile:

UPDATED: To those of you saying that's a cute dog posing with you; thank you for the compliment he was actually my partner who had passed away June 27th, 2008! I thank you for the best-wishes to those of you who have told me already. NOTE: The other photos I've posted are the only one's I have of myself mostly with friends or former clients! I've been called a "Good Samaritan" the one whose stopped at accident scenes; to direct traffic, call 911 or assist anyway I can. I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm "Me" A Chivalrous (having been raised by 4 ladies and grandpa), Poetic, Athletic, Educated, Sarcastic, Compassionate, Articulate, Faithful white male who has an Extremely Open-mind, has previously worked in the Hospitality Industry, Taught, Trained, Educated, Mentored, Apprehended and Protected. I went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable" I'm tall, standing just under six feet weighing approx. two hundred thirteen fit lbs with broad shoulders, dark hair and hazel-brown eyes. I have a muscular/fit build, big arms/calves "not a meat-head though" and several tasteful pieces of ink/holes where piercings use to lay! I've led a great career; (to which I utilize my law enforcement background to), Maintain a business in the Entertainment Industry, Promote a Women's Wrestling Division, Volunteer at a Private Animal Rescue, act as a Respite Giver for an Autistic Boy and I've returned to school to complete my 2nd Degree {where I'll be hopefully working in the medical field as a Dr. (DVM) by 2013}. ATTIRE: I'm pretty much a T-shirts/collard polo & shorts type of a guy, (wearing my sunglasses as much as I can/those damn sun's rays lol!), yet I can dress the part; and told pretty dapper in a suit & tie when the occasion calls for it! ABOUT YOURSELF: local, fun, attractive, faithful, open minded and believes in the idea of *COMPROMISING* A lady who enjoys spending time w/me as much as I enjoy spending with them. Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living. I consider Tattoos and Piercings sexy (yet it's not a requirment, just a like). A girl in shorts/jeans and a t-shirts, someone who can dress "girly" in a dress/skirt/gown for an appropriate function works as well. Perhaps, you're a lady who is open to grabbing her bikini and being spontaneous enough to head off to the beach, daisy dukes and "Brains" are sexy as well. Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :) INTERESTS: I have a wide variety of interests and an eclectic taste in music. I enjoy walking along the Venice Boardwalk, Annual 80's Rock concerts, the County Fair, Knott's Scary Farm's Annual Halloween Haunt, Hiking, Shooting, Karaoke, Museums (big into the Baroque & Goth Eras thanks to Art History), Indy Wrestling, the Theater and I'm open to Shooting pool. A couple times a month I can be found traveling up north or down south for the day for work purposes; where there's always an extra seat for a navigator (wink wink). So, I ask you this; if you'd like to meet a Chivalrous, attractive, respectful, open minded happy guy feel free to take a glance @ my profile and see what similar interests we share and let's get to know one another. Many have asked for more then 1 photo, so I've placed several photos for you to scroll through. Just remember, I'm not too photogenic. Give me the opportunity to prove that to you. -----///\\---------///-\\\----Put This---|||---|||---On Your---|||---|||---account If---|||---|||---You Know----\\\-///----Someone-----\\///-----Who Died------///\-----Of----///\\\----Cancer

Cheese and rice, where do I begin? Is there anything this Chuck Norris wannabe doesn’t do?

1. His definition of “Muscular/Fit” and “Broad shouldered” differ immensely from mine. By the looks of his beer belly pictures, nobody is going to accuse this guy of being a “meat head”. Not that I mind if he’s packing a few extra lbs but don’t claim to be in shape when you clearly are not. I myself am no swimsuit model but I also don’t claim to be in my profile while showing you a picture of a Chippendale’s stripper grabbing my size 16 ass.

2. He has such pictures posted as “Walking out of Olive Garden” and “Just me”. Shall I send him the pictures of me playing on my computer? Watching TV? Sleeping?

3. He claims to be an educated man yet does not quite have the best grasp of spelling, punctuation and grammar. Neither do I, but again, I don’t claim to as he does right off the bat.

4. Did he just write “I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm Me”? Give me a fucking break. I suppose this egomaniac also has doorways built in his house specifically to accommodate the size of his ginormous head.

5. He went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable"??? Bite me. He went into Law Enforcement because he needed a hook to get laid.

6. He’s looking for “Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living.” Oh really? Who the fuck do you know? Ricki Rocket? What the fuck do you do? Promote women’s wrestling? Don’t do me any favors, lamesauce.

7. “Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :)” What the fuck is wrong with this guy???

8. “Just remember, I'm not too photogenic.” <-------Truth!

9. While myself and a great majority of those on the planet Earth have probably lost somebody they love to cancer I’m not a fan of seeing these typed ribbons on anyone’s profile. I get it, somebody you knew is dead. Same here, bucko but I just choose not to broadcast it on a site looking for love. Save that shit for your diary.

In all honesty, I’m not so sure why this guy pissed me off so much. Oh wait, it’s because he had Barbara Streisand’s nose, John Goodman’s physique and Ray J’s ego.

Hot Bicep Guy

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 00:00:00 -0800

If you are a guy and we haven’t slept together yet I’m still talking to you AND I dedicate an entire post to you, you can bet that I am going to fuck the ever loving shit out of you you are pretty darn special.

Case in point, Hot Bicep Guy.

In case any of you have missed it, not only has HBG been occupying my (wet) dreams but also my Facebook and Twitter pages:

Tuesday, June 1st:

11:53am - Once again, just confirmed that I am completely incapable of having a coherent conversation with someone sporting amazing biceps and buns.

Friday, June 4th:

2:58pm - Just learned that since I left work early I missed hot bicep guy coming by to cut rock. Yes, I said cut rock. Who cares why?

Today, Thursday, June 10th:

9:30am - Dear Sex Gods, Please let hot bicep guy come by the office to cut rock BEFORE I leave the office today instead of after like the last two times. Kthxbye.

**The Sex Gods answered my prayers. Water was turned on (as was I), power tools were brought out and rock was cut**

12:00pm - Oh God...boss just ran out to arm wrestle hot bicep guy. Best. Job. Ever.

2:00pm - Ok, for those keeping tabs...hot bicep guy asked for my Facebook. Is that the 2010 version of asking for one's phone number? Either way, he will end up disrobed. Just sayin...

So, if I do the math, I’ve invested 10 days into this relationship. Assuming that’s the equivalent of approximately 3 dates, it’s time we did the horizontal mambo. He owes me. And he’s going to pay me. In penis.

I spent a full hour today in what can only be described as the most fun one can have with their clothes on. As if the Gods above had read my mind and answered my prayers, along came the construction truck with 185 lbs of pure muscle and 6% body fat tucked neatly inside its cab.

Time stopped. I watched as HBG jumped out of the truck and went over to inspect the slabs of rock waiting to be cut.

Wait, did he just look back at the office window? Oh yeah…it’s on like Donkey Kong!

Never mind that I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat. So? I was hungry and he was lunch.

I’m sorry, did my boss just ask me to do something? Not possible as there are only two people in this daydream. Me and HBG.

Shit, boss is talking to me but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. He may as well be speaking in Greek because at the moment I can’t even remember my own name, let alone how to type up a letter.

Still staring, I watch as HBG and his helper turn on the hose and saw. Things are getting wet (I love puns). His back is to me and all I see are muscles contracting and heavy equipment being used. He’s cutting then lifting the heavy slabs of rock into the back of his truck. The only thing missing is me, straddling the rock slabs in a white t-shirt.

Am I dead? Because this MUST be what heaven is like.

Uh oh, I’m drooling. Boss saw it and looked out the window.

Boss: What? You lookin’ at HBG?

Me: bholysoudtoaopshhdfgjslhg?

Boss: You know, I’m stronger than him. I can beat him at arm wrestling *heading for the door*

Me: bholysoudtoaopshhdfgjslhg…*following close behind*

I’m not about to miss two guys playing “who’s got the bigger penis” for my benefit.

They wrestle, I giggle and the boss concedes to a bad wrist. I now know who has the bigger penis.

Oops, time’s up. Time to leave work and head to job #2.

Boss: Can you stay for a few more minutes?

Me: Nope

Like a cougar stalking her prey I hightail it out of the office to go attack my unwitting victim.

With a grin and a wave HBG asks if I’m leaving. That’s my que. I got this. I just hope I didn’t leave claw marks when I pounced.

Some small talk and a Facebook invite later, the door has been opened.

Stay tuned…

...and how was YOUR weekend?

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Warning: Melisa + Vodka = Crazy shit going down

I’m not sure what it is about this particular clear liquid that makes it so dangerous but once imbibed by yours truly, it’s pretty much guaranteed that:

a) I’m going to end up naked
b) I will probably cry
c) I will tell somebody that I love them (usually via text message)
d) Good odds that I will scare the shit out of some poor schmuck therefore insuring that any chances of getting another date are slim (please refer back to “C”)

Date/Time: Friday/6 pm Location: Hollywood Blvd., The Chad Pad

Me: Mmmm…beer.

Chad: There’s also vodka in the freezer.

Me: Fuck!

Chad: Two bottles…

Me: Double Fuck. You do that on purpose, don’t you?

Chad: Do what?

Me: You know my track record with Vodka. You are definitely flirting with danger.

Chad: The shot glasses are in the cupboard.

And so it began.

By the end of the evening, I had been to LAX to pick up a friend, gone to Saddle Ranch on Sunset with a guy wearing a cow tipping T-shirt, met and became BFF’s with some girl there for her birthday because I liked her pretty blue cocktail, got hit on by her arrogant, pushy, abusive-type, overweight boyfriend, ate cotton candy, borrowed some glasses from Saddle Ranch (my purse is much bigger than I realized), ended up at a strip club that was clearly a front from something else, cried because I thought I was going to be sold into sexual slavery, somehow managed to change my Blackberry settings from English to Spanish, took a muscle relaxer and lost my purse. The weekend can best be summed up in this Facebook status I posted:

“Woke up with my bra on inside out. Pretty happy to have Monday off. I'm gonna need it.”

I also may or may not have made out with a 25 year old virgin from Kansas. He also may or may not still be a virgin.

Luckily, I was able to get my purse back from the human traffickers at the strip club the next night, so all was not lost. Feeling a little uncomfortable knowing that they probably went through my stuff and now know where I live. For once, I’m grateful that I’m too old to be kidnapped and sold.

By the end of my binge on Sunday, my liver had cried “Uncle” more than once.

Things I learned from this weekend’s debauchery:

1) Never trust a cab driver that refers you to The 7th Veil
2) Beer is not part of a balanced breakfast for a reason
3) My panties have a mind of their own and will end up on the living room table
4) Taking a muscle relaxer while still drinking is probably not one of my better ideas
5) Next time I go out, it’s probably for the best, to leave my cell phone at home

…and how was YOUR weekend???

The Poet

Thu, 20 May 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret. I’m kind of a smart ass. I know that may be hard to believe but it’s true. Don’t worry, I’ve come to terms with it and no amount of therapy or vodka is going to change that.

That being said, I’m also not what you would consider a “romantic”. Slow songs during Karaoke make me uncomfortable and American Idol makes me laugh. I find appreciating art difficult and I certainly have a hard time getting into poetry. This probably makes me sound like one of them there uncultured folks but I’d literally rather spend my time organizing my sock drawer or removing my wisdom teeth with a plastic spork and a straw.

If you feel like hanging with me and a bottle of tequila while skinny dipping in the middle of the night, cool. That’s more my style. If you want to discuss the importance of SNL’s Tina Tina Chanuseand why you shouldn’t have a boring doorbell, that’s even better. Yeah, I’m classy like that.

So, when I received this email from The Poet, I rolled my eyes so hard they almost got stuck in the back of my head.

Left my heart looking in the mirror, I knew I was losing it all.A glass of vodka, without the cranberry, yes it was a bad week.Look at the guy sleeping on the ground, what a joke.Wait thats me, but I showered like a rich guy; with water that sprouted from the wall.The clouds cover the sun again, and its hard to see but this fool isstill wearing sunglasses at 8 o clock at night.I love it when they laugh and I make everyone's night, but I belongto the night, to the streets of the night.Where are you headed ? well I just ask cause I stay in Santa Monicaright next to the nice hotel, I didn't live or work there but kinda liked it when the lady asked me if I could park her car.

At least I think this was an attempt at poetry. And if it isn’t, I’m REALLY confused. He had me at vodka. He lost me at the comma following. I’m still of the belief that if it doesn’t rhyme it isn’t really a poem. I’m more of a “Roses are red, Violets are blue. I can’t write poetry and neither can you” kind of gal.

In his defense, he did catch my attention. However, probably not for the reasons he was hoping for.

His profile listed his profession as “Writer”. He’s 33 years old, looking for “Friends”, has never been married (surprise, surprise), has no kids and only has one picture posted. With sunglasses on.

Hemingway’s Profile:

Love to play poker and shoot pool. Like a woman that can sing so I can relax and enjoy your voice. I am a writer and when I become big I wanna help animals and people who live in poverty. I would like to get to know someone so I can take them to vegas.

First Date:

coffee. coffee. coffee.

If that’s not one of the lamest attempts at trying to woo a woman than I don’t know what is. This guy must be a real hit at dinner parties. I suppose I should give him kudos for wanting to save the earth and all its unfortunate inhabitants but there’s just something about him that makes me want to vomit.

Considering that he states he’s a writer, I also would have assumed he’d have given a little more thought to his profile. A dating profile is a perfect opportunity to showcase one’s talents (especially if you are indeed a writer) and is the closest thing to a first impression one can make on the internet. He clearly doesn’t believe in spell check and considering he didn’t take this opportunity to stand out from the rest, I find him to be somewhat of a fraud.

If this guy is actually making a living off of his writing, then I give up. I guess I just can’t compete with such raw and uninhibited talent. I certainly shouldn’t write him back for fear that I won’t be able to live up to his expectations and amazing ability to put the written word onto paper.

To make the long story short, I won’t be going out with Robert Frost anytime soon.

The Fire Has Gone Out With The Fireman

Wed, 12 May 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Here’s how I know that The Fireman and I will not be sustaining a long and fulfilling relationship:

Five minutes after arriving, he began telling me of his “Latina” phase. Apparently, he is now into women of the Hispanic persuasion. Hi, have we met? I’m a 19 foot tall blonde. Thanks, Jackass.

He only brought one bottle of wine.

He spent 12 minutes discussing his previous night’s date where he spent $50 at the movies and didn’t get laid yet decided that he couldn’t forgo $10 to get another bottle of vino for me…even knowing that I WOULD be putting out.

I started playing on Twitter while he was talking.

He seemed slightly annoyed when I managed to rip his belt in half while trying to get it off of him. (I don’t mess around when I’m trying to get into a man’s pants. If I feel it’s taking too long, clothes will be torn and belts broken. That’s just the risk you take)

Since he wouldn’t let me sleep at 1:30 in the morning, I made him go out to buy me more wine because I realized he was only bearable if I’m intoxicated.

He tried to order a hamburger with a side of tits at the Jack In The Box drive through on our way back from getting alcohol.

He bit me.

I found myself rolling my eyes several times when he wasn’t looking and even contemplated if it was too late to go ask the neighbors if I could borrow their duck tape. At midnight.

He tried to stick his dick into my wine glass to get my attention since I found an old episode of Criminal Minds more entertaining than his thoughts of self realization and his need to acquiesce to the demands of family and friends to settle down and find a “good” woman.

All in all, this evening I just described can best be summed up as an “I shaved for this?” kind of evening. The conversation was dull and the sex mediocre at best.

I didn’t even bother with the morning sex. I got dressed and sat on the couch to wait for him to wake up. Walking him to his car was the highlight of the whole experience.

I’d once been told that if I were a bitch, I’d be nicer. I’m inclined to agree.

Ever Get The Feeling Like There's Something Missing?

Mon, 03 May 2010 00:00:00 -0800

Meeting One was a breath of fresh air. He was funny, engaging, TALL. By all accounts, perfect. One had his own house, his own business and a boat. He was divorced, had a son and didn’t spend countless hours bitching about the Ex. All signs pointed to yes. For once, I thought Match.com might have gotten it right. Or at least close.

Our first conversation was filled with laughter and flirting without him feeling the need to ask me for more pictures or my bra size. In a “what a small world” moment, it was soon realized that I had actually met his bartender brother two years earlier in Hollywood. I have a fairly uncommon French last name and as it turned out me and One had last names so similar we were one letter away from being kissing cousins. Giving his brother my card to start a tab is how he and I ended up having the exact same conversation years before.

Anyway, moving along…

A couple of dinner dates and a few Coronas later and it was time to test out the mattress. One had an amazing body and I was very much looking forward to exploring it. He knew how to kiss, he knew where to touch. This was going to be fun.

With my tongue, I traced the lines of his chest. Nibbling on his muscular pecks and lightly biting at his solid abs on my way down. I thought to myself “Wow, this guy has everything!”

But I may have spoken too soon.

Making my way down to show this guy one of my many talents, I thought I noticed something missing. Lights out, I thought the shadows of the room were playing tricks on me. I moved One Jr. slightly to the right then slightly to the left. Could it be? Was I seeing this right?

I thought they usually came in pairs?

Young Buck Revisited

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 00:00:00 -0800

When I’m all alone at night my mind begins to wonder. Crazy shit streams through my head like a bad horror flick written by Heidi Montag. How do lizards have sex? Does So and So really look in the mirror and think “Damn that looks good” before leaving the house? How was I able to function before “Snapped” on Oxygen? Is Oprah really a lesbian? And when is a good time to tell my cousin she isn’t a model? The inner dialog inside my head is definitely questionable.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, actually it doesn’t except to show that I’m clearly crazy. But even I, in my craziest of episodes, wonder what the fuck people are thinking when they do, say or write certain things.

Case in point, Youngbuck (remember him?).

I want to take a moment and discuss Youngbuck’s steady spiral towards the “You’ve got to be kidding me and lose my number” zone. Perhaps someone can please shed some light on why Youngbuck went from a sweet, decent lay into a man with an unhealthy preoccupation with my knees and his penis.

Truth be told, I’m not really sure why he’s still around. In my heart of hearts I know that we will never be exclusive. Perhaps I like having him around because he’s cute, good in bed (as long as he gives it a rest without going all 12 rounds) and once I get over the fact that he spells “kik it” with a “k” I can relax and enjoy his company.

The moment he mentioned “feelings” is when the spiral began. Most everyone I know, knows that I don’t own a pair of those so when he mentioned the “F” word I backed off big time. I had thought we were on the same page up to that point so this was all completely out of left field.

I haven’t seen too much of him since then but he’s still actively pursuing me. However, his attempts at reconnecting have begun to border on the bizarre. Let me show you an example of one of his most recent attempts the other night (via text message):

YB: hey there

Me: hey

YB: How r u?

Me: Good. U?

YB: Good. Busy with work & skool

Me: Gotcha

YB: What r u doin?

Me: Just watching some TV.

YB: Sounds fun…u wanna suk sum cock

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

Oh gee, can I? Oh, pretty please?!? First off, my answer is no. I realize my day seemed to be devoid of something but I’m pretty sure sucking cock was not what it was missing. At least, not that day anyway. And secondly, you are not doing me any favors by sticking your dick in my mouth. As a matter of fact, that’s medoing you a favor.

I never responded to his offer of generosity so an hour later I got this:

YB: I guess that’s a no

See, he’s not so stupid after all.

Three days later…

YB: When kan we fuck

I didn’t even get any warning with that one. No “hi, how are you?” or “how was your day?” Nothin!

Me: When you stop sending me stupid texts about fucking and sucking dick. You know I hate that shit (Yes, I have told him on multiple occasions that I find “sexting”, as the kids call it, cheesy and lame. If you want to fuck, get your ass over here. I don’t need to talk about it. Put up or shut up.)

YB: Ok, no prob…karry on

Me: AND STOP SPELLING SHIT WITH A K!!!

For God’s sakes! This is a grown ass man. In college and holding down two jobs, no less. It’s like the closer he comes to the realization that I’m not interested in him romantically the more of a fucktard he becomes.

Is it because I’ve hurt his ego? Is he trying to outplay me in the game of NSA? It seems to me as if he’s gone overboard in trying to make it appear as though he no longer cares and he’s just in it for sex. The only difference being that I AM only in it for sex and he’s clearly gotten his wee wittle feelings hurt. I didn’t intentionally make it my mission to rebuff his romantic advances but I was up front and honest with him the whole time about where I stood. He knew the game. He knew the rules.

OR

He’s really just an idiot and thinks that women find it panty shedding hot to be bombarded with texts about hair pulling and knee scraping. I’m thinking a little bit of both.

And for the record, it’s apparently NEVER a good time to tell your cousin that she isn’t a model. Go figure.

Tragic Dating Profiles/Emails

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 00:00:00 -0800

"im kinda new on here and i was reading your profile and it sounded like we have some things in common. being new on here not sure what to do im kinda shy at first but open up as i get comfortable im a down to earth guy who enjoys simple things and open minded in trying different things i have 2 beautiful daughters i like to golf,shoot pool,going to the movies. i listen to all types of music. there is more to me but i dont like typeing so i am better on the phone by the way my name is Ron"

**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?

And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're so gorgeous...

Men should get in line for you!

Wish I lived a bit closer... ;)

Kiss,

-Mr. Rio de Janeiro"

**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.

Status: Not single/Not looking

Looking For: Talk/E-mail

Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable

In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.

First Date:
"On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times. I'm open minded, so I guess it's about chemistry...Anyway, enough talking. Where's the fun? ;-)"

**Alllllriiiighty then

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother"

**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…

“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”

**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo"

**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.

2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…

Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God

About Me:
"Hello! My name is Arthur. I'm doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!

I'm closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.

I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.

I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.

I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.

Del Mar is where I live.

I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.

Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays.

Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!"

First Date:
"With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near "holier than thou". I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind."

**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My name is Armando and I'm Peruvian/Italian. 6'0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.

I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.

I'm looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there's no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!

SENSE OF HUMOR IS A MUST THOUGH!

I live in Culver City and work in Century City.

You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.

Ciao

P.S.I WAS IN A 70'S PARTY IN THE 1ST PICTURE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH! LOL

PENSO CHE SEI UNA DONNA BELLA! it means, "I THINK YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN""

**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"you do look gorgeous =]"

**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”

Good luck in your search.

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"how are u today, are u busy

would u like to chat?

my name is kevin, whats your name?

Kevin"

**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:

"The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend"

**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.

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"caall me 949 XXX-XXXX

samir"

His Profile:
"Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9...Im a charming guy, whos out going....my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!...So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places....seen a lot of faces........ If u want me, you'll have me! if u like what u see, you'll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! ..."

First Date:
"To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says...."I do care". -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now... maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it's funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. ..."

**Will somebody please...Shoot. Me. NOW!?!

Coffee, Tea or Me?

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 00:00:00 -0800

It’s official, the 40 Year Old Virgin just isn’t into me. At least that’s the feeling I’m getting considering that he is now trying to fix me up with not one, but TWO of his friends.

Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. I Think You Are So Beautiful And I Really Like You And I Want To Take You Out (otherwise known as Mr. ITYASBAIRLYAIWTTYO) is now trying to fix me up with other people. It looks like I’ve found my very own personal matchmaker. The only problem is that I was interested in THIS guy. Not any of his friends.

After the last text message I received from him basically flaking on me, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to partake in this little game. As interested as I was in seeing him again (read: naked), I wanted him to know that I was not okay with him blowing me off.

But, I’m not completely innocent, which is why I actually entertained the idea of seeing him again. I had to take some of the blame considering how strongly I came on to him. I did, after all, almost devour him on our first date. It’s very possible I may have scared him a little bit. Those who know me or have met me, even once, know that I can be…what’s the word…a tad aggressive?

A week later he IMed me on Facebook:

Him: What’s up sexy? You’re so beautiful (Major points for choosing the right version of you’re and double points for calling me beautiful)

Me: Hey

Him: Are you doing ok?

Me: Yes. You?

Him: Just wanted to let you know that I like you a lot and didn't want to hurt you. Because you're really nice person  (Uh oh, I can see where this is going…)

Me: (Not wanting to stick around for the ax) Thanks. Take care.

Him: I want us to be good friends and I do want to see you again, babe! If that's o.k with you. (There it is…let’s be “friends”)

Him: Let me make some money, because it's slow a bit for me (Huh?)

Him: We can go to comedy clubs and hang out and have a few drinks  (Is he trying to make a date or is this still us being “friends”? Because it’s starting to feel like a date. I could be wrong.)

Me: Ok? I’m a little confused but…ok?

Him: LOL!  (Not sure how my being confused is funny but…ok?)

Me: Even though I'm not sure what money has to do with anything.

Him: I'm not a prince from Saudi Arabia! If we go out and have a few drinks and want to eat dinner, they will send us a bill! lol (Yes, I’m pretty familiar with consumerism and it’s cost)

Me: You were the one making all the plans to go here and there. If you would have asked me, I would have told you that I'm perfectly content hanging out at my place and not doing much. I think between you and me we can afford a six pack.

Him: lol!!!!! Yeah, but I want to take you out, babe.  (After all is said and done, I will probably be ditching this guy for his accessive use of “lol” and “babe”)

Me: I just don’t understand you. You try to get me to go out with you for 6 months then we go out and have a good time (or so I thought) and then you blow me off. I don't think I want to play this game. (Pretty self explanatory)

Him: I'm not blowing you off! I'm writing you now.

Him: Talk to you later, sweetie! Gotta go to bed. Need to get up at 5a.m I have a client at 6:45a.m Goodnight.

And with that he was gone.

But it didn’t stop there. A few nights later, he left me a voicemail saying two of his friends had seen my pictures on Facebook and thought I was beautiful so he gave them my number. Wait, did you catch that? HE GAVE OUT MY NUMBER! What the hell was he thinking? Is he my fucking pimp now?

The next two voicemails were from “the friends”. Needless to say, these calls have not been returned. I did email the 40 Yo Virgin though and let him know exactly how I felt about him passing me around like some damn party favor. He has since apologized profusely saying he “wasn’t thinking” and that he likes me too and blah, blah, blah.

It’s pretty safe to assume that I will NOT be seeing this guy again. Perfect body or no, he’s a complete and utter social retard. I just don’t have the patience to deal with such nonsense.

Next!

Pants Party

Fri, 02 Apr 2010 00:00:00 -0800

I’m gonna jump on the penis bandwagon here, no pun intended. There’s penis in the air lately (again, no pun intended). Lots of articles asking “does size matter?”

Well, I’m here to tell you it does. To me, at least.

Being a self proclaimed penis connoisseur, I’d like to consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject. I’ve dealt with teeny peenys, pencil dicks, crooked cocks and donkey kongs. There isn’t a whole lot I haven’t seen. I’m not bragging, I’m just stating fact.

I’ve dealt with minute men, marathon men and men going soft. Men that are cut, men that are not. Men that are shaved and men that don’t bother.

From what I’ve seen, the line between men and women has been clearly drawn in the sand. Women that enjoy an adequate member and how it’s used and men that claim it isn’t the size of the trouser snake but how it moves.

I’m here to say that I’m a size queen and proud of it. I make no apologies. It’s strictly a matter of preference. Go big or go home. That’s not to say it’s the only deciding factor when I meet a guy but it is most certainly a bonus.

So how does a woman preferring a larger penis differ from a man preferring larger breasts? A certain hair color? A certain race? Body type? I don’t think it does. People all have things that turn them on. Some things are stranger than others. Some people are into kink, bondage, feet, food. You name it, there’s somebody that wants it.

When a woman mentions liking a man of “size” I hear a lot of excuses. “Just because he’s large doesn’t mean he knows how to use it.” “She must have a huge vagina.” Retaliation by many (mostly men) countering with bullshit somehow insinuating that just because she enjoys a large cock she’s shallow, a whore or doesn’t enjoy all the rest that comes along with being intimate with somebody. I understand that there isn’t a whole lot a man can do with what he was born with but again it’s a matter of preference. He can’t change his size anymore than I can change into a petit Asian woman. That doesn’t make me bitter or insulted towards any man that happens to prefer all the things I’m not. I’ve dealt with bad lays on both ends of the spectrum but if I had my choice I’d still stick with the foot long over the finger pecker.

So why the bad rap for women that enjoy huge cocks?

I will, however, agree with most that it shouldn’t be the only factor when determining a man’s worthiness for bedding. It’s also nearly impossible to determine the size of a man’s goods until it is literally out in the open. Not from lack of me trying, of course.

I’ve heard the myths. I’ve checked them all out. I’ve dated 6’4” men with cocks the size of a thimble. I’ve dated men shorter than myself sporting 8” plus. Big noses mean nothing. Big feet just mean big shoes. Want to know a sure fire way to tell if the man you are with is sporting a baby shark? When he pulls down his pants and he has a 10” wiener. That’s how.

Moral of the story? People like what they like. Everybody is different. Some people are good in bed and in tune with what makes them and their partner feel good. And sadly, some people just aren’t.

Pocket Rocket aside…seriously ladies, when was the last time you purposely bought a dildo that was only 4”?