A few men I dated for a brief period of time and a few men just turned into platonic relationships. "Shithead" was the exception and the closest I ever came to actually having a relationship with somebody I met off of the internet.
As usual, we followed the basic protocol of emailing, phone conversations and then deciding to meet in person. His profile had four pictures posted on Match.com. Two were unclear, one was black and white with the tell-tale signs of an ex-girlfriend cropping and one was of a cop and a civilian. The mere sight of a man in uniform was enough to make me contact "Shithead" right away in hopes that he was the man carrying the badge. Come to find out, the closest thing he had to a uniform were his eating pants.
I pulled up to his apartment and he came out to greet me. Upon first glance I noticed his walk. For fear of sounding rather crass, he walked as though he were clenching his butt cheeks and had a stick up his ass. After getting to know him better, that idea made more sense than you’d imagine. He was nothing short of dumpy and three inches shorter than his profile stated. Again, I had just met another man with whom I’d had great phone chemistry with but was not physically attracted to (understatement). But willing to give things a chance I stuck around.
He was different than the men I usually dated in both looks and personality. I had convinced myself that even though he wasn’t what I was looking for I should give him a shot because he was the type of guy I should be looking for. On paper that is. He was stable, had his own place, college educated, had a steady job and his family lived hours away. Perfect!
He was your typical frat boy that played video games and thought that poop was part of any natural day to day conversation. I enjoyed his playful sense of humor (minus the poop talk) and the idea that he didn’t tend to stress the small stuff was quite refreshing. Everything was a joke to him and it wasn’t long before we were hanging out almost daily. He was local and convenient and I really enjoyed the carelessness that he exuded. There was no pressure and I enjoyed the slapstick comedy that seemed to occupy our time together.
We were never exclusive as he was not looking for a girlfriend and I was having fun still dating other men on the side. He wasn’t aware of that part but then again if a man is dating online and tells you he isn’t looking for anything serious then he’s usually dating and/or screwing more than just you also.
Eventually, we pulled the fade method on each other and things boiled down to occasional IM’s and emails. It was fun while it lasted but when all is said and done did I really want a serious relationship with someone that thought the idea of taking a dump in a public restroom something to be proud of? Not particularly.
Unfortunately, our time apart was not to last as my mother ended up hiring him to set up some computers in her new office. So, amongst idle chit chat, he mentioned how he was now seeing an Asian Doctor. His words, not mine. Perhaps in an attempt to make me feel envious or jealous about his fine catch, he proceeded to let me know how much money she had (lots), what she drove (Jag), her profession (Doctor) and so forth. Then, as if to seal the deal and make sure I knew what I was missing out on, told me that she just couldn’t get enough of him in bed. Mind you, yes, we had had an intimate relationship over the past year but not one that I would exactly write home about. If anything, it was just something to do and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to block that particular episode from my mind. Picturing him with his Asian Doctor going at it actually repulsed me because I knew what she had and it certainly was nothing to brag about. If I have my choice, I’ll pass on the man whose belly is so big that he can’t even see his own penis and longs for the day that he can stink up the stock room of the local Ralph’s Grocery Store. Although, I suppose it is good to have goals.
While you may think that I have focused my whole story on "Shithead’s" love of his own excrement, let me assure you that our times together often focused around that too. I did "Shithead" a favor and didn’t throw up on him while he was speaking because I thought that may be construed as slightly rude so I let him revel in his delirium while trying to keep a straight face. Of course, he was only “having fun” with his Asian Doctor because he was still “playing the field”, “not looking for a relationship” and busy being a Playboy (gag).
A few months later, I noticed him online and decided to send him a brief Instant Message just to see how he was doing. Apparently "Shithead" took that as an ego boost that I was still thinking about him. I should have known that a man with his ego would consider something so generic a confession of my undying affection. Not long into the conversation he told me that he and his Asian Doctor had bought a condo together and that he “would probably marry this one”. Not because he was in love with her (yes, I had to ask) but because she “made a decent amount of money, minded her own business and he hadn’t found anyone better”. Again, his words, not mine. Now, if that’s not a true declaration of love, I don’t know what is. One thing about "Shithead", he always was a true romantic.
He cut our conversation short by saying that his girlfriend would be home soon and he didn’t want to get caught chatting with another girl. Its not like we were discussing the Donkey Show or sharing naked pictures, we were just catching up. Considering that they were now living together and that he would “probably” marry her, this was the first time in nine months that I had ever heard him call her anything other than the Asian Doctor he was boinking with a Jag.
This is where things get interesting:
Months after that a girlfriend of mine and I stumbled across the website Dontdatehimgirl.com. Just for kicks we did a broad search of the men in Southern California. I didn’t actually think I would come across someone I knew but being as I had been online for a while nothing would have surprised me. Well, except for whom I actually found. That’s right, "Shithead". Considering his dumpy nature, so-so looks, beer belly and tendency to think that farting was cool, Shithead was the last person I would have considered seeing on this site. I quickly clicked on his picture to get the scoop. A woman had written about his dishonesty and how he had cheated on her. The site had a comment section where other women that might know him could add their own opinions. Five girls had actually commented making derogatory remarks about him being gay, fat and a cheater. When I showed my mother the website she was amazed that he could actually get five women to go out with him in the first place. That says a lot about my opting to date him for almost a whole year! But I’m not perfect, I OFTEN make mistakes. What was news was the Adultfriendfinder.com profile screen name that one of his ex’s had posted. Being the curious cat that I am I immediately checked out this Adultfriendfinder.com. What an interesting site that was! Perfect for those looking only for friendships of the intimate nature as there were very little clothes to be seen. I wasn’t surprised though considering the name. I may have been born at night, but not last night.
Now this is where I become retarded.
In order to look for him I actually had to come up with my own profile and set up a basic account. So yes, in addition to being retarded I also slipped into online predator mode. Nice, huh? I’m not sure why I was so curious being as I had already seen him naked and wasn’t too impressed by what I’d seen. Perhaps I was bored. Who knows? So there I was, now an active member of Adultfriendfinder.com. To make matters worse, in order to actually have Open Access to the profiles I had to pay for their one month membership fee. I know what you are thinking and you really don’t have to say it. I checked out a few profiles while searching for "Shithead", just out of curiosity (I wanted to get my moneys worth). When I had gotten all the peni my poor eyes could handle I looked him up, not sure of what I was going to find (but having a pretty good idea). I typed in his screen name and Vwah-La. There was his 5” penis in all its glory. He actually had two pictures posted. Both did not include his face only of his teeny peeny from different angles (I find it amazing how a few strategic angles can make one’s junk look so much bigger than what it is in actuality). Strangely enough, his Adultfriendfinder.com pictures were actually clearer than those he had initially posted on Match.com.
I read through his profile and found it interesting how he talked about having cyber sex quite often (Ew) and how he wanted to have fun “in and out of the bedroom”. Helloooo, you are always either IN or OUT of the bedroom (God, I hate cliché statements almost as much as I hate shaving for a bad lay). That’s when it donned on me, I had just spent $39.95 to see a picture of a 5” penis that I had already seen a hundred times before. The funniest part about this whole thing (aside from having just paid $40 to see cock pictures) is that I later found out from little dick himself that his loving Asian Doctor girlfriend was the one that had actually posted him on Dontdatehimgirl.com to begin with. Ah, young love.
One last tidbit for the road.
As if it couldn’t get any better. I saw him AGAIN on the internet just a few months after finding him on Adultfriendfinder. This time it was Lavalife. He had posted in the “Intimates” section seeking someone discreet (because of course, he had the Asian Doctor at home). He noted that he was into phone sex and cyber sex (see a pattern here?). What I want to know is, how does one have cyber sex? Typing while trying to jerk off seems like it would be distracting, no? He noted that he had had some luck with that website in the past and wanted to see if there was anything new going on. Ahhh yes, "Shithead" was truly one of Match.com’s finest. What a winner.