I’m making a new rule. Actually, I’m making two new rules. First being, to no longer date men that are good looking or have beautifully sculpted, perfectly proportioned, chiseled, oh, are you in the room? Sorry about that. Basically, no more good looking men. And secondly, no more men from Nigeria. Hopefully, I’m not alone in noticing that Nigeria has been stalking me. With my hundredth (and second Nigerian) online date perhaps in order to change my end result I need to stop dating the same damn guy and doing the same damn thing.

Initial contact was made by Nigeria #2. His deep, thoughtful and caring email went something like this…

”Care to chat?”

How could I not respond? His email embodied all the things any girl could hope for. It took me a while to come up with quite the right retort. After much thought I came up with just the perfect response…

“Yes.”

With those four little words our blossoming romance was in full gear.

The next day we met at Starbucks. His pictures were right on. Conversation seemed to roll smoothly although I couldn’t quite tell whether he liked me or not. We talked for about an hour or so and he suggested we walk outside. Standing next to my car we continued the conversation. That is until a big, black bumblebee the size of a small terradactyl tried to carry me away. Let me assure you, nothing spells sexy like a 6’ blonde woman running and screaming through the parking lot. I barely managed to survive the jaws of death (no thanks to Nigeria #2 who thought I was a) crazy and b) funny).

Apparently, thinking I could have been snatched from his life forever he wrapped his ginormous arms around me and asked if he could see me later for dinner. He gave me a kiss and said he would call in a bit. SCORE! Add one point to my plus column.

We saw each other twice after our initial meeting. They basically consisted of bedroom gymnastics and I thought things were going well. He asked me to spend the night both times but I politely declined, not ready for him to see the “morning me”. Trust me when I tell you it’s not pretty. He even went so far as to call me…during the day…and talk! I don’t mean dirty talk either. He just wanted to talk about his day and see how I was doing. It was nice to think he wasn’t delegating me to strictly booty call status. Combine that with him looking for a “Long Term Relationship” and things were looking promising.

He asked me why “an attractive and funny” girl like myself was still single. I told him “Why not?” He didn’t seem to find that so funny. He asked if I wanted to have children. I told him yes. In jest, he suggested we make some. I suggested we wait a few days. My heart was his for the taking when he told me I only had four more years until my biological clocked stopped. After I stabbed him in the face with an ice pick…

Fast forward three days later. I called Nigeria #2 to see how he was doing but never got a call back. Knowing he was busy working on his new company I cut him some slack. Two days later I sent him a text asking when we might be able to get together again.

Nigeria #2: Honestly, I’m just too busy with everything in my life to hang out

Nigeria #2: Sorry.

Me: (Realizing the cause was lost) No need to apologize. Good luck to you.

So, with that our great love affair was over. Until the phone rang two minutes later…

I picked up the phone and Nigeria #2 explained to me he wasn’t trying to blow me off, he was just really busy. He said he hoped I didn’t think he was trying to be rid of me. He also said that if he wasn’t still interested he wouldn’t have bothered texting me back or calling me. I told him I understood. He said he would try calling me later.

That call never came. I don’t even think I’m really that disappointed. He wasn’t that fantastic in bed and more than once I found myself yawning while he talked endlessly about plans for his new and thriving business. What I will miss is his body. Tall, big biceps, ripped abs, and a perfect ass. THAT, my friends, I will miss. His face wasn’t much to look at but I didn’t find myself looking at his face much anyway.

This whole experience was pretty much the same as many before. Decent guy, lots of attention in the beginning then nothing. What did surprise me though was that despite his lack of time to spend with a potential love interest, he managed to find time to update his profile…twice (not that I was looking). Which just made it clear to me he didn’t consider me quite the catch I thought I was. So, why did he bother calling me back after my “good luck to you” text? I would have been okay with just leaving it at that. Did he just want to make sure that I didn’t walk away from the experience feeling as though he was an asswad? I’m really not sure. Either way, I still think he’s a douchebag.

Lesson learned? Stop going out with good looking men and stop going out with Nigerians. Better yet, stop going out with good looking Nigerians.

Nigeria #2’s Profile:

If I were a girl, I'd date me!

I believe that meeting someone online "in-person" for the first time must be effortless. You don't get a second chance to make a first impression so if you flake for any reason, or take my number and not call me within 48 hours, we won't get along.I have zero tolerance for indecisiveness, games and flakes. So here I am in a nutshell. More in detail when we meet. I'm driven, hard working and a good catch. I think your friends and family would like me. I think you'll fall head over heels in love with me if you get to know me. I'm at the stage in my life where I would be interested in a fun, meaningful, long-term relationship, taken one phase at a time. We don't have to jump right into anything serious, but it would be nice to meet someone that I enjoy sharing my time with and vice versa. If you think we'll pair well together, I'd like to hear from you and please feel free to ask questions. Thanks! – Nigeria #2

Disclaimer: My apologies for being straightforward. It's my personality. I would be interested in meeting like minds a/k/a straight shooters. Take a look again at my pics, what you see is a man who knows what he doesn't want. Any women up for the challenge?

My translation: I’m your typical male. I’ll be hot and heavy in the beginning but bore of you easily. I want a long term relationship but don’t have time for one. I do however have time to constantly log onto my online dating account. “I’m straightforward” really means I’m going to tell you that you are old and your biological clock is ticking. Don’t bother calling me because I won’t return your calls but you better answer mine or I’ll consider you a flake.

Come to think of it…I probably would have initiated the conversation if he had actually written that. In the sordid world of online/internet dating honesty is hard to find and refreshing once found.

Online dating is like Groundhog Day. Same shit, different day.