Men, let me give you a heads up. If you are fat and ugly it is probably not in your best interest to mention age or weight when emailing a woman. Unless you are talking about your own. Actually, that applies to all men but especially if you are nasty because I’m sure you can use all the help you can get.

Due to your unfortunate circumstances you probably don’t have much experience in this department but for the love of God would you at least ask another female to read what you are sending out? Ask your neighbor, ask your sister, ask your grandmother for all I care because telling a 31 year old that you are looking for an older woman is not going to help your current lonely situation…or your rapidly developing Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. Really, how has that “older woman” line been workin' for ya? Not really? I wonder why…

That being said, this is the second time this week that I have been deemed the older woman. I guess you could say you found my trigger. I’ve been called a lot of things in my day and for the most part they are probably true. But for some reason this is really getting me worked up. I’ll even agree that I’m slightly overreacting but damnit I just hit my 30’s! I’m not dead yet!

I typically attract older men. I think older men tend to appreciate a woman with some curves more than the average male in his 20’s. Especially in LA where beauty is defined by the size of ones waist. And yes, using the term “Older Men” is not lost on me. We all know there is a double standard when it comes to aging and the sexes. Lately, I seem to be attracting puppies. I haven’t changed my profile. I have changed my pictures. Hell, I’ve barely logged on in the last week or so. I’m not sure what pheromones I’m giving out to attract such youngsters but I’m totally over it.

Meet Enrique. He’s 25, 5’8” and lives in Palmdale. Without going any further I can tell you he’s too short, too far and too young. He’s Hispanic and bald. Under body type he’s listed as Big & Tall/BBW. Big? Yes. Tall? NO. A Big Beautiful Woman? I think not. His Profession? Professional. Well, glad we cleared that up.

BBW Enrique is looking for an “Intimate Encounter”. There is absolutely nothing about his pictures that screams to me “Hey, I need to go get me some lovin from this guy”. If anything, I get the strange feeling that I want to dust him in flour and throw him in the oven. Not sure where that comes from but he sort of reminds me of the Pillsbury Dough Boy only with an olive complexion.

Here’s what he had to say in his profile (my remarks are in bold italics):

"I'm not very good at describing myself. I Live in Palmdale, I'm 25, I work full-time and I'm on here for the 1st time looking to see what's out there. I'm trying to post my profile but keep getting an error message that my "description is too short" (just like him).

Alright then here goes...BLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA
BLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA
BLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA
BLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA
BLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA
BLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLABLA...."(I love a man that speaks his mind).

Here’s the email that I received:

"I loved reading ur profile. Ur honesty is so refreshing. With that in mind I'll give u honesty too (ooooooo, I can’t wait. I just love a man that has read my profile and can dish it out too. If there was an eye rolling emoticon it would go here. And “ur” and “u”? Really? He can’t actually write out “you’re” and “you”?)

My dream girl is someone who is older than me (there it is!), a blonde with a voluptuous figure (more flattery I presume). Someone who is down to earth and loves sex as much as i do. (Fucking gross! Unless you find having sex with a Hispanic doughboy as sexy. I just know he has a tiny wiener. Seriously, the fatter the man, the smaller his pecker. It’s a proven fact. Sorry, but I prefer to have sex and not just be finger banged…oh yes, I went there).

I'm pretty much a virgin cuz i haven't had sex in such a long time. (Trust me, this I already knew).

I like my head shaved but u said u want someone with some hair...damn! I can grow it out for u. (Yes, because that’s the only reason why I won’t go out with you? Alllllriiiighty then).

What i'm trying to say is if u were to give me shot I'd take FULL advantage of it. That's me being sincere. I grew up in North Hollywood but now live in this awful desert they call Palmdale (at least we agree on something). I knew I should have stayed in North Hollywood (back to disagreeing), where the Heck else would I ever run into a woman like YOU!. God bless the internet"

...and God help ME!