In my never ending quest for self perfection I’m often filled with questions as to why I can’t seem to find and keep a man…without physical restraints that is.

To put it bluntly, I’m amazing. I’m tall, blonde, cute, funny, smart, have a great rack, a healthy sexual appetite and plenty of junk in the trunk. What’s not to love? Equally self deprecating, I drink too much, smoke too much and well, that’s it really. And those two things are easily changeable. Especially as I get older and the desire to get rip roaring drunk every weekend dissipates.

On one hand, I’ve been told that I appear uninterested. I suppose if I appeared more desperate and in need of male companionship I would have gotten further. But the truth is I don’t need a man. I would like one but I don’t need one. I love the fact that I’m independent and comfortable in my own skin. Needing someone to validate your existence is just plain weak.

So, being as I’m still on a speaking basis with some of the men I’ve dated I decided to ask a few of them what it was that made me “unrelationshipable”. Yes, I just made up my own word. Like it? For the most part, I agreed with the responses I got. Distance, not ready for a relationship at that time, etc. All of which I was in complete agreement with. If the mutual desire to become committed to each other is not there it can’t be forced. No spark = no spark. It’s as simple as that.

Then I had a conversation with “Shithead” (July 14th entry since I can’t seem to figure out how to link old entries into current ones. I did mention I was blonde, right?). I clearly had no desire to be his Girl Friday but I was interested in why someone so bent on playing the role of bachelor was so quick to jump into a relationship right after we had stopped seeing each other. What he had to say certainly surprised me. I still have a headache trying to decipher the meaning. Below, is part of the IM conversation we had:

Me: I’m just curious why I’m not the “relationship” type. And I know you will be honest with me.

Shithead: You’re too much fun. That’s why.

Me: I’m “too much fun”? Wow, I’ve never heard that one before.

Shithead: You are. Always ready to party. Not just drinking. Just in general.

Me: you are just trying to get laid, aren’t you?

Shithead: lol

Me: Seriously, I just want a male point of view

Shithead: I’m giving it to you

Me: You are lying. Too much fun??? As awesome as that sounds it’s just not realistic

Shithead: See, we just need someone who is always ready to party just not partying all the time. Someone who can sit still for 5 minutes.

Me: I totally sat still for 5 minutes with you. Didn’t I actually re-teach myself to knit in your apartment???

Shithead: lol

Apparently, I’m such a fascinating person that even when I’m measuring yarn and counting stitches I’m fun! Now, I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around that conversation for days. I even went so far as to try and get another males point of view. He said that he could see where Shithead was coming from but when asked to explain it couldn’t seem to find the words. What the fuck does “too much fun” mean anyway? Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing? I want a man that enjoys my company. Not somebody that expects me to sit at home and wait for him to be ready to have a good time. Am I being penalized here for trying to make the best out of any situation and enjoy the life that I do have? Seriously, I just don’t get it.

So, I guess it looks like I have a long life of singledom to look forward to unless I play down my FUN-ness…