For this particular blog post, I’m just going to let my Facebook entries and Instant Messages to my friend, D, explain it all. For the record, I went to high school with creepy married guy.

My FB Status:
“FB update #125 for the day...if someone has to purchase 2 plane tickets due to a large bottom, shouldn't they be allowed to drive in the carpool lane? Just wondering...”

Here are the comments that followed:

Creep: If a girl with big breasts works at Hooters, shouldn't someone with one leg work at I-HOP?
Me: Touche! Nice comeback young grasshopper
Creep: It appears that the teacher has now become the student!
Me: Its ok, I just quit my job at Hooters and was looking for something to occupy my time

Apparently, he didn’t catch my attempt at humor because shortly after my response I got this email from the creep:

“Did you find anything interesting to take your mind off of walking around in your small Hooters shirt?”

Realizing that he was an idiot, I didn’t respond.

Three weeks later while IMing with my buddy, D, Mr. Creepy infiltrated my peaceful existence once more:

Me: I've got some retard trying to school me in humor...he's losing poorly
D: lol
Me: he's a retard and the kind of funny where he actually TELLS you he's funny. Uh newsflash...you are a moron!
D: HAHAHAHAAH tell it like it is girl!!!
Me: you know, if you have to tell someone that you are funny.....
D: then you really are not
Me: Bingo!
Me: and the high school NOTfunny guy is married
Me: so now I have creepy science teacher guy AND creepy married guy that’s not funny trying to bother me at the same time. I’m being instant message molested by the perverts from my youth!
D: oh great, why is he bugging you then?
Me: OH GAWD!!! Science teacher just told me he's never had a problem getting women....
Me: DUDE!!!! He just busted out the "I'm Rich" card...wow, he really put it out there!
D: of course, because all he talks about first is about how much money he's got
Me: yup. see I told you! I’m a weirdo magnet
D: oh man I can't wait to read THAT story
Me: I seriously can't believe this is happening...oh wait, this is me...YES I CAN
Me: married guy just told me my confidence is sexy...wtf???
D: creep!!!!
Me: ACK! He just said he's hot and bothered! Well, go fuck your wife then! Seriously, WHAT. IS. UP???
D: yeah no shit!!
Me: I'm seriously laughing in my head....see, I don't even have to do anything and the crazies seek me out
Me: totally entertaining though
D: hell yeah it is
Me: I just told him it was a good thing he had a WIFE to help him take care of those urges
D: good
Me: FUCK! He just told me that they are always looking for OTHERS TO PRACTICE WITH!!!!
Me: I need to log off from facebook...like yesterday!
D: oh boy.. swingers...nice
Me: now, creepy swinger married guy just told me "I think you're hot and I don't mind saying it. I have no shame"....nope, apparently not. Although, by the looks of the pics of his wife, I can TOTALLY see why he's hitting on me
D: OMG you are a trip
Me: wow, creepy swinger just threw it out there too...asked me what I thought of his pictures and if I’d be interested in meeting up with him. love the subtlety
D: I can't wait to hear how you let this one down
D: or tell him off
Me: I think I'm gonna play with him for a while then break his ego by telling him I'm only into black guys and 10" dicks
D: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: apparently I'm just too sexy to resist now
Me: I can't blame him of course
D: of course
Me: I’m weirded out about creepy married swinger guy. It's been my past experience that most men that brag about being "the best" in bed are usually the worst
Me: I told the guy flat out that I didn't dig doing other women’s men...that I didn't need their leftovers
Me: didn't stop him from trying
D: of course not, because guys don't know the meaning of "NO"
Me: it's the egos that get me
Me: he's not exactly George Clooney and his confidence is annoying, not endearing
Me: uh oh, I see the redhead is online...Gotta GO!


Basically, what I ended up doing with creepy married swinger guy was telling him I wasn’t interested in playing with him or his wife. It was then that he informed me that all women should get a chance to see a perfect penis once in their lives. I told him that I had in fact seen a perfect penis and that that perfect penis lives two doors down and ISN’T MARRIED! Buh Bye!