I’m the oldest of four children and by far the least accomplished as was brought to my attention by my Aunt Betty’s endearing Christmas Eve toast:

“A toast to Cindy for getting accepted into the college of her choice AND for getting a scholarship!

…and to Nick for actually meeting a girl and for making it through two years at college!

…to Rosy for working at Memorial Hospital for almost two years now as a nurse!

…and to Joe (my sister, Rosy’s husband) for getting hired by the police department this year!

(Cheering and clapping followed by a long, hard blank stare in my direction)

…and to Melisa…

(Crickets)

(Chirping)

(Loudly)

…to Melisa…Gosh! We just love you!”

Nothing strokes your ego when you are already feeling the bitter loneliness of the holidays like a fucking pity toast. And that was just the beginning of the evening. The rest didn’t fair much better for my already deflated level of confidence.

But, all is not lost, I got a Snuggie, a sewing machine and lots of chocolate for Christmas. So now, instead of a man I’ll have my Snuggie to keep me warm, the chocolate to keep my endorphins up and a sewing machine to let all my clothes out once I’ve eaten my way through See’s Candy.

Looking forward to the New Year…In a BAD way!