First of all, yay me for finally figuring out how to post a picture on this blog. Secondly, I apologize that this was the first picture to post.

Less than 12 hours after posting my Profile Pet Peeves, I received the above picture via text message. Sometimes one really has to wonder about the timing in which things occur. Didn’t I just write “put your fucking shirt back on?”

Let’s cut the crap. Mr. Morning Wood is a fucking moron. I don’t know what is more stupid. The fact that despite not having been out with Wood in almost four years he still deemed it necessary to try and poke my eye out or that he sent this picture to five other women in addition to me. That’s right, he sent this gem wishing us all a “Good Morning, lol” to six ladies. Any guy in his right mind should know better than to give the special six access to each others phone numbers. I guess this picture alone is proof that when a man has a hard on the blood rushes from his brain down to his nether regions.

I’m not going to suddenly claim I’m a prude (you guys know me better than that). I have received such pictures before, sometimes upon request even, but this gratuitous morning wood picture is too much and sort of, well…random, to say the least. Let me give you some background on Mr. Wood.

Match.com was our matchmaker. The first two things I noticed about him were his biceps and his love of reality television (sometimes I just can’t get enough of watching people act retarded on national TV). Upon first meeting in person he appeared to be everything he had claimed to be only with a weaker chin but I could over look that minor detail because he had amazing pecs.

We went out a few times but he was just shy of a two year relationship so I was a tad weary and decided that it might be in my best interest to let this one die down before I found myself too attached. We managed to remain in contact, often by IM or email but nothing more came of this great love connection. He also happened to live about 45 minutes away from me and he didn’t seem to be making that much of an attempt to visit me on my end.

It wasn’t until I found him on Myspace did I get the full picture at how dramatic and needy this guy truly was. What was news to me was the way he proclaimed his love for the new girl in his life. I was slightly surprised and a little disappointed but somewhat taken aback by his declarations of love for the girl with too much eyeliner. I will also make a mention that despite her having a nicer figure than yours truly, I was (and still am) way better looking. Come on ladies, you know there is something cathartic about being better looking than a guys ex or even current girlfriend.

I sent him an email to congratulate him and get the scoop as I was entirely curious as to what I had missed just since the last time we had been in contact. He immediately wrote back saying that I shouldn’t congratulate him just yet as he and his girl “were off and on like a light switch”. I found that to be a rather pessimistic view of things and wondered to myself why he would stay in a relationship where it was clear that things weren’t going to work out. Sure enough, one week later, all signs of her had been erased from his profile and he was listed as single. A week after that? You guessed it. He was in love again. Two weeks after that? Single. It is safe to assume you know where this is going?

He picked up on his text messages to me yet I was none to eager to meet up with him again. Every time I declined he would get pissy saying that I was a typical game playing woman. I’m sure he didn’t consider that he only texted me last minute when I had already made plans. I had also just moved an additional 30 minutes away from him. He was clearly not into driving out to my neck of the woods and I certainly didn’t have any desire to trek an hour and 15 minutes to listen to him bitch and moan about his ex and how she had done him wrong. Mmm, a bitter man that’s too lazy to drive, despite how many times I have driven to him…no thank you.

At one point, he even asked me to leave a comment on his page saying that I was looking forward to meeting him for drinks later. Knowing we had no such plans, I saw his little ploy for exactly what it was. An attempt to make the ex jealous. Now why on heaven’s green earth would I want to get myself involved in that stupid love triangle. I have enough issues of my own.

So, here we are two years later after having found him on Myspace. The ex and he got back together (big surprise) and she moved in with him. They had a son and have now split for good as of about nine months ago. He constantly leaves me (and many other women) cheesy comments on Myspace. I can tell this by the responses he gets back. I guess this is his way at receiving the attention he needs from the opposite sex. I find it a turn off that a man that is 36 years old needs Myspace to fulfill his need for attention.

Oh, and one more thing…even when he was “in love” with Max Factor he never actually took his profile off of Match.com. I’ll also let you know that he hasn’t changed it a bit since I actually met him…5 YEARS AGO! For your reading pleasure I present you with Mr. Morning Wood’s Match.com profile:

“Hello, I'm an honest man and i don't use out-dated pictures to represent myself. The oldest picture is 2 1/2 years old which is my main picture. The last several are mid January 2006 from one of my cruises which incidentally is not usually how I have my hair as it's way too short for my liking. I love cruises and have been on a 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 day cruises all within 3 years from the Bahamas to Mexico to Hawaii. I try and keep in shape and my body tan working out at least twice a week and my main employment is working in my home office selling full-time I was just recently released from a 2nd job due to facility closure of the postal service and I didn't accept a further assignment. My dad is from “Some place in Asia” and my mother is from “Hickville” (yes, I changed the locations) I'm not a big fan of "chatting" and am very spontaneous and am looking for the same. Would much prefer to meet for a coffee or a drink to get to know someone. Musically my favorite current artist is: Rob Thomas/Matchbox Twenty. My all-time favorite artist is: Elvis Presley. I own a condo in "BFE" and drive a Tundra and a Mercedes and I mention this just to show personality and not to brag, some have commented that I shouldn't list what I drive or where I live but I say if I was bragging I would said I live in Malibu and drive a Ferrari, right? If you like to be impulsive and spontaneous, give me a wink and lets hang out. Thanks for your time in reading” P.S. Contrary to popular belief, I should also let you know that I never even slept with this guy.