Mr BAFTA 09/23/2009
40 years old; 6ft 1in; tall; dark; handsome-ish; film and tv lighting executive; resides in Cheshire countryside (WAG central); claims to be a millionaire ! Mr BAFTA's Profile For me banter type conversation with a blend of chemistry is a massive turn on! Being spontaneous & adventurous. I love to laugh & make other people laugh. I have a sensitive empathetic side to me and love to help others. A kind, charismatic, emotionally intelligent, fun loving girl, with a wicked sense of humour, is my ideal. (not asking much!) I don't care if I meet her at the bus stop or on a laptop, it's the chemistry which counts. I do warn you. I am passionate, slim and outrageous. I am more than happy to reply to sane messages. I am here to date and find a great girl and not spend all my days emailing back and forth! Mr BAFTA's Emails Mr BAFTA contacted me, with the specific request of a scheduled call! I obliged...intrigued with the potentially refreshing and direct approach (Mr Cerealman is proof enough that endless emails and even telephone banter does not provide fruity foreplay for a fun date). So 56 minutes later Mr BAFTA has invited me to his house for dinner this evening. Get this he is sending a chauffeur driven car to pick me up! Excitement and anticipation of a red carpet arrival at a gated mansion in the Cheshire countryside whetted my appetite to waterfall levels - the reality was a water feature that a failing executive would have on his desk!!! The Date Gerry, the driver is outside, holding the rear passenger door open for me. As I sit back on the leather seat and select a DVD to pass the time, I am wondering if this one could be it! Mr Right? Mr BAFTA had instructed me that I was to tell the driver that I was I going for an audition to be a "singing nun" in the Sound of Music. I can't sing and I'm no nun, but curiosity breeds brilliance and How do you solve a problem like Maria? lalalala! Picture this, turning down a winding country lane I'm expecting the electric gates any second. We pull up to what I imagine to be the gate house and then Gio's words bring me crashing back down to earth we've arrived. As he reverses the car into the narrow driveway that is barely big enough for one car. Dreams of being driven up a sweeping gravel driveway and then swept right off my feet are SHATTERED as I step out of the car and 2 steps to the cottage (note not mansion) front, and only, door!!! Mr BAFTA greets me with an air kiss on both cheeks, Gio is dismissed and the date begins. I try to hide my disappointment of no East or West wing or Butler... Mr BAFTA has clearly had a few beers prior to my arrival, he pours me a large glass of very cheap plonk and all I can focus on is the fact that there is no table and chairs in this relatively spacious kitchen in their place is a vile looking cross trainer!!! My attention is then drawn to the flashing red, yellow, blue and green lighting that creates a disco dance floor effect with a blue aga! The grand (or should that be not so grand) tour came next. Mr BAFTA seemed proud to divert my gaze to the garden and his hot tub! Next is a snug area with a well-lit Rrolf Harris naked woman canvas. A copy. Mr BAFTA claims to have an £80K original, but he doesn't hang it in his house for security reasons, I ask him what's the point of having it then? He tells me his pension is 20 cases of vintage red wine held in a cellar in London. Hey if it's anything like this paint stripper, I'm drinking, old age is gunna hit him hard! We move on. Mr BAFTA's lounge is full of framed photographs of Mr BAFTA. Mr BAFTA, clutching a BAFTA with various television personalities. It suddenly dawns on me that there is one thing missing, the BAFTA itself. Surely if you have been successful enough to win a BAFTA, such a prestigious award, it would take pride of place on the mantelpiece? How silly of me, for security reasons, it must be with the wine and the Rrolf Harris. I wonder if photoshop has anything to do with this little ensemble. Back in the kitchen Mr BAFTA serves up some nibbles. He takes a serrated knife from the block and sprays it with Mr Sheen, wipes it with kitchen roll and gives me a sinister stare. This isn't funny, it's weird. I'm glad I've arranged a get away car for later! I ask Mr BAFTA why he is internet ating and what's more, why me? Surely he must surrunded by WAGS and glamorous women to date. He laughs and tells me he's been through all of them in the area. He then asks me if my friends would think I was a slapper to rock up to his house! Mr BAFTA knows how to shower a girl with compliments. Mr BAFTA calls me "babe" continually...I tell him I don't like it. Slapper...Pig...what next? Dinner is served! Mr BAFTA has a oyster white round marble dining room table with at least 8 chairs. 7 of which are still in the plastic covers! How bizarre. 1 chair is uncovered and this is Mr BAFTA's chair. I'm getting a feeling that this is where Hannibal Lecter could sit. Anyway it's irrelevant as Mr BAFTA and me are dining on our laps, complete with a re-run of only Fools and Horses! Visions of luxury, romance and being woo-ed, wined and dined are out the window! I'm now looking forward to going home! You can't buy style, taste or class, BAFTA or no BAFTA! Mr BAFTA returns from the kitchen, with a costume change into shorts and a T shirt? What the feck? The shorts I notice as he sprawls out on his sofa, while I am sat on the floor at his feet, hierarchy check?! have a hole in the crotch area. Oh dear.....oh dear! i tell him, he doesn't seem particularly concerned and it's not surprising as what he does next is rather alarming. Mr BAFTA, who is clearly worse for wear, pulls his shorts down and shows me his penis and says "What do I think of that?" He grabs my hair and tries to kiss me. I dodge him and right on cue there is a knock at the door. Mr BAFTA is surprised my driver found his house, me too, blink and you'll miss this one...anyhoo relief reigns as I clamber into the get away car and leave what could have become the Cheshire Chainsaw Massacre to it. There's a thought...perhaps he'll upgrade to an Oscar with that perfomance! Still searching.... Mr Voiceover 09/18/2009
Mr Voiceover contacted me telling me how brilliant my profile was. We exchanged emails, witty banter and arranged to hook up. Being a creative, quirky, intelligent, mildly eccentric character, I felt excited that me and Mr Voiceover would hit it off. We did. We spent 5 hours together....laughing...story telling... I felt so at ease in his company and was enjoying myself a little too much that I made the FATAL mistake of telling him about this blog! He was very shocked-surprised...and said he would be jealous for me to continue on dates if we were to see each other again. He also said he knew there was a catch, that I was too good to be true. He also said that at times on our date I had made his stomach turn over. I explained to Mr Voiceover that I am genuinely single and searching for the fairytale, for Mr Right. The blog has been a creative interest. I also told him that it is harmless observational humour. He read some of my posts and told me that it was very rare for him to laugh out loud and that he found my writing to be witty and that the concept was genuis. I re-assured him that I wouldn't write about him because I liked him. He initially said not to write about him and then he changed his mind and wanted me to write about our date. So when I emailed him the following morning, to thank him for dinner and suss out if he would like to meet up again I was totally flabbergasted by his response. He told me in no uncertain terms NOT to write about him, his profile, our date. He also told me that he didn't have the balls at the time to tell me what he really thought about the blog and that I should at least be offering sex to these guys on dates so not to waste their time. How insulting? I emailed him back to tell him how offensive I found his email and that I wish he'd had the bottle to tell me what he really thought on the evening as opposed to spending 5 hours with me, buying me drinks and dinner and telling me how cute (I hate the word cute by the way, cute is for cats, and I hate cats) and intelligent I am and that it's been so long since he has laughed with someone he finds attractive. Mr Voiceover at this point obviously became even more angry (alpha male, big ego, having an intelligent, articulate woman standing up to him....) as he threatened to inform the website about my creative writing. Now I figured he was throwing his toys out of his cot and this was a veiled threat, but clearly communications had totally broken down between us. Shame. I really did like him, his company and thought we'd had a great 1st date. But he is clearly a Jekyll and Hyde character and very unpredictable. I wished him well for finding love and with his business ideas. Live and let live and all that jazz. Anyhoo, the moral of the story is keep my cards close to my chest and keep my men at arms length. Mr Voiceover had my profile pulled from the dating site. He's not bitter or twisted, eh? It's funny because upon checking the terms and conditions, if you lie about your details then the same thing happens and Mr Voiceover, you're not 39 years old, are you, you're 40 and clearly in a midlife crisis about admitting it. What's more you're launching your own dating website (his car is logo-ed to the hilt) so surely you are utilising this website for research purposes? Didn't you tell me you were also on the site, under a female guise to attract men for your own site? Where's that complaints contact number again??? Tit for tat...plenty more sharks in the sea! Still searching....lesson learned! Mr Driver 09/11/2009
So on a way to a date this week, my taxi driver aka Mr Driver and yours truly hit it off. We chatted away en route. I'm the kind of passenger that likes to be up beat and bubbly whilst sat on the back seat of, in this case, a very luxurious leather interiored Silver merc. I appreciate that any driver must get bored to tears with the same old questions....Are you busy today? Working late? How long have you been doing this? Blah blah blah. Turn this on it's head and think about hairdressers...how many times have I wanted to grab those scissors and commit an injury right there centre stage dans le salon with the monotone questioning of "going anywhere nice on holiday this year?" "Do you live in *****?" "Is it your day off work?" When I go to the hairdressers...of which I do, as it just so happens, every 3 months (roots darling!) I do not want to talk at all...I just want to read all the free magazines, relax and for the hairdresser to focus completely on my barnet and give me the much needed make over. So back on the back seat with Mr Driver I tell him I'm on an internet date with a total stranger. He is amazed that I am single and wants to know more about the internet dating experience. Just as an aside why the fuck is everyone so amazed that I am single? If it is that unfathomable...why am I still single? It seems there is still that stigma that single equals psycho or single equals issues or single equals bunny boiler. Single may just mean selective! Single could well mean happy in oneself. Single means self sufficient (ok I'm pushing it there...HSBC will vouch for that one!!! And the lady at the local garage who gives me the knowing look of debt desperation when I rock in to procure blue £100,000 scratchcards and always promise her if I win I'll be back to give her £££!! Anyhoo, back to that back seat...I tell him I've been on 40+ dates and give him a witty snap shot of some of the weird, wild and wonderful liaisons to date. We are having quite a laugh me and Mr Driver...he maintains a lingering eye contact in the rear view mirror I notice and I can only really see his eyes which are warm and friendly. Anyway as the journey comes to an end Mr Driver tells me that I look really nice...a compliment. He also says that he would love to take me out on a date. Whaaaaaaaaaat? I have a date on the way to a date...new one on me. Still searching as objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are...oh yes Meatloaf! Mr Menage Trois 09/01/2009
Mr Menage a Trois 39 years old; single, separated; black hair; blue eyes; 6ft; executive management; twist is in the profile! Mr Menage a Trois Profile ....I have a busy lifestyle working hard but playing harder! I'm friendly, outgoing and thrive on new challenges, experiencing new cultures and places is a passion. I'm not looking for anything serious but a partner to try new experiences and likes the idea of the Katy Perry song. So someone open, trustworthy and likes having fun and exploring! Three or Two heads are better than ONE!!!"I kissed a girl and I liked it the taste of her cherry chapstick...just to try it hope my boyfriend don't mind it...."Erm....No Date Why would a man blatantly search for a 3-some on an internet dating site? Surely there are appropriate online platforms for such demands and desires? And what's more, why does my profile and photos attract such requests? Do I look bi-sexual? Do I look like a good time girl who is happy to double up with Debbie Does Dallas on Date One? Does my well penned profile suggest table for the 3? It obviously does, in the eyes and mind of Mr Menage a trois...who contacted me asking when we could arrange such a night! Hey I have some great girlfriends, who I love dearly and I am very tactile (ladies you know who you are!!!) and yes we have shared stories, laughter, tears, love, my bed, breakfast, lunch and dinner...but we have not shared our cherrychapsticks, oh no! The thing is, a guy like Mr Menage a trois leads me to the following conclusions:- 1. He has a very small penis, is impotent and 2 woman would be ideal distraction! 2. He is looking for a slut, make that 2... 3. He is arrogant, greedy and one woman is not enough for him. 4. This is his fantasy (you know I want Brad Pitt to break into my house in the middle of the night and rape me...but if he was on the internet, I don't think I would request that in my first email to him) 4. He has had a sheltered sex life, because at 39 years old, living in the City, if you still haven't had a 3-some then there is something wrong with you (see points 1,2, 3 and 4). 5. He is not for me! I sent Mr Menage a trois the link to killing kittens...(hey Mr Bastard your information came in very handy and I am spreading the word!) But it's hard enough to find Mr Right amongst this cyber sea of sharks and I accept the competition, but I don't need to date it! Double standards still exist, feminists beware, because I'm certain Mr Menage a trois wouldn't accommodate my request for a for 3-some, me, him and Jim? Now there's a thought? Thrice as nice, eh! I'm all for adventure and pushing the boundaries but if you're starting out this way...there's nowhere to go surely? Still searching and not for a sandwich...just a subtle start would help! |