55 years old; copper turned detective; short; moustache; smoker; drinker; bit of an ego; authoritative; Surrey man about town; married 4 times!!!
The Date
Mr Detective rocks up resembling what can only be described as Milk Tray Man, mission impossible; mid life crisis; I am doing all I can to look 20 years younger, hip and trendy! BLACK is the colour of the day for Mr Detective is wearing black jeans, black polo neck; black loafers...do I detect a tassel on those shoes...oh yes I do! Black leather jacket, one size too small. He has gel in his hair and wreaks of aftershave...where are the chocolates...mmm I'm partial to an orange creme or turkish delight...shame no sign of a box of choccies...just a black wallet and a jangling set of keys. Let's hope he hasn't a warrant to search me!!! Eye contact with Mr Detective is instantly intense...I think he fancies me and I feel very edgy, oh no I'm blushing! Now he's going to think I'm attracted to him...WRONG Sergeant Pepper! He also seems devoid of the concept of personal space and is in my face, well chest really as he is shorter than me. Right off we go for lunch...on him he hastens to add. Mr Detective has been in the police for over 25 years...he seen it done it breathed it coached it arrested it charged it cross examined it interrogated it forensically found it sent it down. He tells me about some gruesome rapes and murders and abuse cases. All very appetising pre luncheon conversation! I notice Mr Detective is necking the red wine. This guy is a drinker! He tells me about his 4 wives...Wife 1 he was 19 years old, she was pregnant and they were far too young. Wife 2 a passionate Italian that stole his heart and money lasted 3 years. Wife 3 couldn't hack his work schedule...long hours..being on call...she felt neglected and he felt up the local bar maid most evenings after work, reading between the lines! Wife 4 still married to her but it turns out they've had a big argument recently and she's thrown him out! He is currently residing at the Police House licking his wounds and awaiting wife 5 maybe - is that where I fit in I ponder with anxiety! Time to call 999!!! Mr Detective proceeds to get absolutely smashey poo-ed through lunch, and the tables really take a turn for the worse when he announces he has suffered an anal tear!!!! Am I hearing things? I look down at my gourmet minced beef burger and cannot go on. I really don't want to know how he has sustained this injury. Some things should remain a mystery and some crimes are left unsolved and this date with the Sweeney is over. Blue flashing lights...still searching!